Are You Living with a Passive-Aggressive Partner?

You may feel that your relationship is not abusive because there is no physical violence, but emotional, passive aggressive techniques are also attempts at controlling you. Passive aggressive behavior can also undermine you and be 'crazy-making'.

About.com defines this type of behavior thus; " Passive Aggressive (adj.) Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency" and further goes on to state, "Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, and at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse".

Some of the common behaviors that are used by passive aggressive sorts include;
They are often very ambiguous and you may find it impossible to get a straight answer out of them.

They like to see you being stressed out by their lack of clarity and they often do other than what they say they are going to do. They are not good at keeping or making agreements.

They may act in a forgetful way using their behavior as a form of punishment. They will say one thing, do something else then deny having said what they actually did say in the first place.

They use blame often and will blame you, or their work or another innocent person as an excuse to justify their bad behavior.

An important point about the passive aggressive person is that they rarely express anger and instead they will act very surprised at you if and when you get angry with them. They are unable to appropriately express their anger and hold it inside where it leaks out to drive those close to them crazy.

They will often tell you that you cannot be trusted with the most simple of tasks and this is because they have a fear of truly intimate relationships as well as an inability to trust.
They often oppose you and it is as if they want to do exactly the opposite of what you want of them. This is yet another form of controlling behavior. They imagine that by not giving you what you want they can keep you under control. They will often agree to cooperate with you and it can appear that they are acting as if they value you and want you to be happy but they will rarely, if ever follow through with any agreements made.

A passive aggressive person is a great procrastinator and doesn't like you to rely or depend on them and as such cannot be relied upon to complete the most basic of tasks.
They feel that life is treating them unfairly and that they have been overlooked in some way. When you get upset they act as if it is never their fault and that, instead they are the innocent victim in the equation.

A passive aggressive person has themselves so wound up in their own defense mechanisms that they are unable to see or recognize that they have a problem. If you are tired, stressed or ill etc they will often circumvent acknowledging you and supporting you by 'gazumping' you; they always come home tired, exhausted, sick or stressed out so that they have an excuse to not support or help you out in any way. They like to be worse off than you are so that they will not have to perform, support or be helpful or be truly intimate.

If and when you confront a passive aggressive partner they may react by sulking, being silent and/or by walking away leaving you alone to sort whatever problem there is.

A passive aggressive person often appears to be Mr or Ms Nice and it can appear that they are being nice to you whilst being inwardly aggressive. Says Tamara Hall, an educational consultant who gives presentations about this complex disorder to schools and businesses. "They come at you soft, but they're not. They can do a lot of harm." She says, "They aren't hostile one moment and then kind the next. Instead, they perform the maddening trick of being both at the same time".

If you are sharing your life with a passive aggressive person who uses many of the behaviors referred to above then if you cannot get them to agree to, and of course go through with counseling then for the sake of your own sanity and wellbeing get out as soon as you can.

I have given you some suggestions for further reading.

Keep posted.

Further reading:

http://www.abusivelove.com

http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com

www.About.com

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships