Are You a People Pleaser?

Do you find yourself agreeing with others even when you have a different opinion? Do you find yourself with too much to do and too little time to get it done because you hate to say, "No." Do you spend a lot of your time wondering or assuming what others are thinking about you? If so, you are a people pleaser.

All people, to a certain degree, worry about other's opinions. We all want to be liked and respected by our peers. Some people, however, find themselves being treated like a doormat or anxious about being around others because of the constant worry about what others are thinking.

I only recently realized just how much of my time and energy was going to trying to please others and make them like me and approve of me. It became evident when someone pointed out to me some examples of my behavior. One example was that even if I think what I am wearing looks fine, if someone else tells me they don't like my dress, I will change clothes. I also spend a lot of my time trying to read other people so that I can do, or be, or say what I think they expect.

So how do you know if you are a people pleaser like me?

In the book, The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker, Margaret Paul, PhD listed the "Ten Commandments of People Pleasers."

1. I should always do what others want, expect, or need from me.

2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or not.

3. I should always listen to everyone's problems and try my best to solve them.

4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone's feelings.

5. I should always put other people first, before me.

6. I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.

7. I should never say "no" to anyone who needs or requests something of me.

8. I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings toward others.

9. I should always try to please other people and make them happy.

10. I should try never to burden others with my own needs or problems.

Do you find yourself living by these rules in order to please others? If so, you are a people pleaser. A common problem among people who spend their time trying to please others is that they don't usually realize they are doing it. It is an automatic response through years of conditioning. In other words, it's what they are used to doing. To make matters worse, family and friends are also used to our reacting in that way, and can often take advantage of us because we don't speak up for ourselves and they think we are happy with the way things are. Becoming aware of our actions is the first step in changing behavior.

When a people pleaser begins to change, others may be resentful. After all, they have become accustomed to the way we usually behave, and this new way of reacting can be upsetting to them. That is not a reason to continue in our disease to please.

I've found that the more I stand up for myself, the better my self-esteem has become. I spend much less time worrying about what others are thinking, and more time doing those things that make me feel good about myself. I have stopped changing my words or actions because someone else expects something different. I'm free to be myself. Are you a people pleaser? Dr. Phil McGraw said on a recent show that his dad always said, "We'd spend less time worrying about what others think of us, when we realize how little they do." You can't argue with common sense like that. Being liked is not as important as being our authentic selves.