Are You Really Ready to Marry a Star Wars Geek?

I've been married to a Star Wars geek for eight years now. Before you, too, tie the knot with a man who daydreams about lightsaber duels, wears Boba Fett T-shirts, and has a dog named "Salacious Crumb," here are some important things to consider:

Is your boyfriend an avid collector of Star Wars books, games, puzzles, toys, models, die-cast reproductions, artwork, etc.? Are the walls of his apartment plastered with Star Wars posters? Is his most prized possession a framed, autographed black-and-white glossy of Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca? Perhaps your boyfriend has promised that when you two move in together, all his Star Wars stuff is going to disappear ("I'll box it all up, and you'll never see it again, honey"). Don't believe it for a second. He will want to add his unique "flavor" to your new home, and you should let him do so--within reason. It's all about compromise.

Appeasing your avid Star Wars collector/geek husband is easier than you think! Pick and choose from the following suggestions: Allow him to build a Jedi shrine in your bathroom (preferably the bathroom that guests never use). Let him hang Tie Fighters and X-Wings from the ceiling of your bedroom every Saturday night. Give him his own Christmas tree (don't worry--the one with your tasteful ornaments and decorations will be in the living room, where it belongs; your husband's Star Wars-themed tree, on which he can hang every single Star Wars ornament that Hallmark has ever produced, will look fabulous in the garage, next to the camping equipment). Wear the Princess Leia or Padmé Amidala-inspired lingerie that he gave you for your birthday (yes, he really expects you to wear that stuff, and if it keeps him from displaying his thirty-year-old action figures in your great-grandmother's antique curio cabinet, it's worth it!).

Suppose your boyfriend isn't an avid collector. He merely appreciates the Star Wars movies far, far, far, far, far, far more than you ever will. Those movies--the original trilogy, at least--are perfect, man! George Lucas is a freakin' genius! That classic John Williams score is music to God's ears! Your boyfriend subscribes to Star Wars Insider magazine, but he doesn't "collect junk" (although he's never forgiven his mother for selling his childhood Star Wars action figures for a quarter apiece at a garage sale twenty years ago). Lucky you. Don't start gloating yet. Let's look five or ten years into the future. You and your Star Wars geek may want children someday. He hasn't shared the following secret with you, so I will: He has really, really wanted all those Star Wars toys this whole time, but he's been waiting to have kids before he starts buying them. That way, he can claim the toys are for your kids!

Your husband, the proud daddy, who used to be such a low-key Star Wars maniac, will begin sneaking off to Toys 'R' Us on his lunch breaks to see if the latest Star Wars "Galactic Heroes" action figures are available yet. He will stage elaborate Star Wars action figure battles in your living room, and encourage your young, impressionable children to participate. Before you know it, your six-year-old son is drafting Star Wars: The Clone Wars novels in all of his free time, and your three-year-old daughter is humming "The Imperial March" as she repeatedly jumps off the couch. Your children will know the names of even the most minor Star Wars characters--Biggs Darklighter, Plo Koon, Lobot, that green girl who falls into the Rancor pit in Jabba's palace (I don't know her name, but I can assure you that my six-year-old son does, thanks to his dad's tutelage).

At least you were able to talk your husband out of naming your firstborn son "Anakin," but guess what? No matter what you name your sons or daughters, they are all going to grow up in a Star Wars-biased household. They are going to watch all six of those movies more than any sane person should, plus all of the cartoons, and the brand-new Star Wars: The Clone Wars TV series. I hope you enjoy listening to your son read aloud from Star Wars encyclopedias! I hope you don't mind your daughter's Barbies dating Han Solo and Luke Skywalker action figures! I hope you like telling bedtime stories involving the Millenium Falcon and Obi Wan Kenobi! I hope you don't mind spending forty bucks on a "Commander Cody" Clone Trooper Halloween costume! (Oh no. No! You agreed to name your son "Anakin"? Well, okay. Look on the bright side. If you call him "Ken," maybe no one will suspect that your precious baby boy is named after Darth Vader. Why didn't you go with "Luke"? Pretend you chose that name for its Biblical relevance?) Please, before you decide to marry a Star Wars geek, think of your unborn children. Little Lando and Leia!

Star Wars geeks travel in packs. If your husband loves Star Wars, chances are, his best buddies love it just as much. Perhaps they have all the dialogue from The Empire Strikes Back memorized, and enjoy reciting it, line by line, every time they get together. Perhaps they want you to "be Yoda." How much of that sort of thing can you take? The best approach is to, first off, refuse to "be Yoda," and then pursue your own interests. When your husband and his friends get together for Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, go out and see a movie with your friends. Paint. Knit. Take piano lessons. Write a novel. Anything! The sky's the limit. Why do you think Star Wars widows are so accomplished?

Star Wars geeks usually like other geeky things, too. Make sure you investigate his other geeky hobbies before you agree to marry him: World of Warcraft, Dungeons and Dragons, role-playing video games like Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy, comic books, etc. What, exactly, are you getting into when you marry this guy?

Have you decided that the Star Wars geek lifestyle isn't right for you or your children? Feel free to print this article and staple it to your Dear John note, or paste the link into your Dear John email if you'd rather go that route. Be brave! Now go and find yourself a Nascar guy. Or a football junkie. I'm sure you'll be a lot more satisfied with one of those.

No? You're going to go through with the wedding after all? Will Darth Maul be conducting the ceremony? Please say you're going to have the Death Star piñata at your reception. The kids always look so cute bashing the Death Star with their lightsabers...Ah, memories. I hope I'm invited to your wedding, now that I've given you this invaluable advice. We Star Wars widows have to stick together.