Are You Really Ready for a Relationship?

Many people wonder how to have long lasting relationships. In our free society, it is easy to follow our emotions and jump headlong into a relationship without analyzing ourselves and/or the consequences of such a relationship. Here are some things to think about before you enter into a relationship.

Self intimacy.

It is important that you know yourself before trying to get to know someone else. Look at your past relationships. No one really wants to evaluate their past, but it does give you important clues about your future. Your past can provide you with clues about your own patterns of behavior and your own desires. An example is: abused women tend to continuously choose abusive men. I am not blaming the women for the abuse that they suffer. I am saying; However, that they have certain patterns of victimhood and certain needs for security that make them gravitate toward a certain kind of man. Ask yourself what your core needs are? It is important that we evaluate our behavioral patterns and our insecurities. Most people act on these needs when involving themselves in a relationship. If you yourself don't understand and address that insecurity or need, then it tends to be the unspoken ruin of the relationship. I am not suggesting that you should not have needs or be needed. In fact, I believe that we all are quite interdependent. I have never placed a high goal on individual independence. However, it is essential for you to understand your needs and how they might be the catalyst for some of your actions. Think about ways that you might assist in meeting that need. Is that need healthy for you and/or your partner? Is it realistic for your partner to have the ability to satisfy that need?

Make some lists.

Ok, I am a "list" person (Thanks Mom). It helps me organize my thoughts. Make a list of good qualities that you could bring to a relationship. Make another list of things that you are looking for in a mate. Leave the physical attributes for last. I am not saying that they are unimportant. Passion and physical attractiveness are important in a relationship. However, there are other attributes that should supersede them. I put my desired traits into categories of spiritual, social, physical, emotional, mental and so forth. This will also help you keep your feelings and emotions in check when you are dating.

Most likely the potential partner won't have all of these characteristics. If you rate which ones are important, however and consult your list, your physical and emotional needs will not rule your thinking. Thus, you are less likely to make judgments based on them and get yourself into a potentially disastrous relationship. Also, evaluate the characteristics that you find attractive in a mate. You may want your mate to be attentive, but where does Attentiveness end and smothering begin? You may want your mate to be outgoing. While that is admirable in theory, the reality is that he/she might be quite social when you want to stay at home. Worse yet, along with that person's outgoing nature, they may be a bit more friendly than you would like. You might say that you want a "hard worker." You might get such a person. However, the unintended consequence is that he/she might not spend as much time with you as you would like. You might also make a list of qualities that you are not willing to tolerate. Of course, one should not be too particular and I am sure that everyone realizes that perfection in humans has not been attained. However, there are probably some "deal breakers," for you. One man told me: "I won't date someone who has children." He knew that he did not want entangle himself in the lives of step children and exes. That might limit his choices, but at least he was honest and understood his own limitations.

Evaluate your communication skills.

Communication is crucial to the success of a relationship. Evaluate your communication skills. Decide what communication style that you have. Are you passive, aggressive, intuitive? which communication style works best with yours?

Assess your readiness.

Just because you want a relationship does not mean that you are ready for one. One person that I know entered into a relationship because they were afraid of being alone and wanted a person, almost any person, to share her life with. Another woman wanted to be loved. Of course, we all want to be loved. This is a natural desire. She was more excited about "being in love," than she actually was "in love," with her mate. When that excitement wore off, reality hit her in the face. Maybe you have insecurities that need to be worked out, first. Of course, your partner can help you through some of these. But, don't expect that just by having a relationship, all of these insecurities will disappear. They were there before your mate came into your life and they will persist. It is important to note that your mate can contribute to your happiness, but he/she is not responsible for it.

Evaluate your expectations.

Understanding your expectations is an essential ingredient in having a successful relationship.
Refrain from such glib generalizations as: "I expect my mate to be kind." Give specifics on what you expect from yourself, your partner and your relationship. These things might change as the relationship develops.

Get out of your own little world.

Understand that your relationship will effect others. It is pertinent for you to examine your family. Like it or not, our family is part of us. Forging ahead with a relationship without analyzing how it might effect your family, especially children, is irresponsible. Accepting that they will rejoice in the relationship or that there will be no problem is unrealistic. Any change in a family will yield both excitement and discomfort. There are good and bad consequences of any change, regardless on how positive we might view it.

Set yourself some guidelines.

Now that you have examined yourself, you might want to begin to look for a person to date. It is a good idea that you have quite a bit of conversation before deciding to date. You might be physically attracted to your date. You don't have to act on those feelings. Examine what might happen with the relationship if you do move too quickly. Decide in advance what you want from a first date. Remember that you both are probably a bit nervous and are trying to make a good impression. No matter how well you get along, it will take much time to truly get to know someone. While you might feel an instant connection, the true long lasting connections will come with time and experience. Don't be afraid to double date with friends or just "hang out," in a group. If you are not ready for "romance,"(especially on a first date) refrain from dining at a secluded romantic restaurant. This will ensure that you won't give into the temptation to escalate the relationship (emotionally or physically) any more quickly than you had previously decided. Of course, these guidelines for advancement should not be time oriented, rather they should depend on experience and trust. However, since developing trust takes time, I would give a normal relationship at least six months before advancing to a more committed stage. These preset guidelines are just generalizations to help you decide what and when you want to advance your relationship.

last words:

A relationship is not something to be entered into lightly. You must know yourself before you can present yourself to others. Understanding one's self takes lots of time and reflection. Remember that developing a relationship takes time. This process does not happen quickly. It took you quite a long time to know yourself, don't expect to know someone else intimately in a short time.