Are You Really Sorry?

The word sorry is used very loosely in many languages and cultures today. Because language is so fluid, the use and meaning of the word sorry has inevitably changed over the years, decades and centuries. Language is also one of few universal topics that is so controversial. (Universal is also one of those over-used words that has double meanings. True universality means a human quality that every human shares, no matter what their language, heritage, culture or location is.)

Fellow Linguists: Rebuttal if You Must

Maybe the word sorry existed in the cave days, but the earliest recorded meaning of the word, that I can find, is in two ancient languages: Greek and Hebrew. These languages are as old as the Dead Sea Scrolls which is good enough history for this article.

Sorry can have several different meanings depending upon who is saying sorry, why the individual is saying sorry, and to whom sorry is being said. Overall, the context is negative such as: bemoan, flee, mourn, make to move, pity, etc. The British (according to the BBC) will say sorry a whopping 1.9 million times throughout their lives, while sorry may not even exist in an Amazon tribe.

So Why say sorry?

As common as the word is, it is naturally abused. Think about the way sorry is used in the following sentences. It may have something to do with guilt, or it may not. (That's a different article.)

1) Sorry, could you repeat that?

2) Sorry I couldn't make the meeting.

3) Sorry, I can't get to the phone right now, but leave a message...

4) Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

5) I'm sorry for your loss.

Numbers 1 and 3 are pretty similar, but most uses of the word in the above sentences have different meanings. What about the true apology? Having remorse in the heart or mind that makes the speaker want to undo what was done or said followed by, "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings," is a bit different from the above sentences.

To Whom and How to Say Sorry

Saying sorry is one thing, but, being sorry is another. The true apology is an action, not just a word. True sorrow comes when an individual wants to correct his or her mistake. Obviously we can not undo our mistakes, but we can certainly be sorry and prove it by not doing that action any more.

One can apologize to anyone he likes. But, the people most affected by our sincere apologies are those closest to us. Excusing oneself for bumping elbows in the grocery store will hardly evoke a long remembered apology. Apologies are most popular in use to our partners, naturally being the person who knows our hearts and minds and our weaknesses loves us anyways!

Try the 180 Approach

Think about the reasons that sorry is said in daily life. Is it said over and over again for the same 'offense'? If so, perhaps the speaker really is not sorry, but simply excusing him or herself to have the freedom to continue doing the act. "Oh, sorry," is an incomplete sentence; (not grammatically, but for the purpose of this article.) Speaking a complete sentence and confirming why you are sorry means so much more.

The time to say sorry is when what was said (by you) hurts another person. Okay, we may not understand why the person is hurt by certain actions, but understanding will hopefully come after the apology. For example, a woman gets her hair done and the partner doesn't notice; or the man fixes something around the house or mows the lawn and the partner doesn't notice. Perhaps nothing is said until the next argument.

As soon as we know the other person is hurt by our ignorance is the time to say sorry. But, more than saying sorry, it is time to change the action by turning not 360 degrees, because that brings us right back to where we were - but, 180 degrees in the complete opposite direction. Instead of thinking, "That's ridiculous," (to be bothered by not noticing the hair or the lawn), a person who is truly sorry may say, "I'm sorry that I didn't notice ... (whatever it is)." And then, make a conscious effort to notice next time.

Or Skip It

Why write this seemingly useless or boring article? Because it builds relationships, it builds trust and most importantly it builds respect between two people. Saying sorry, meaning it, and doing something about it whether the speaker understands or not, shows maturity.