Are Rules and Routines Really Necessary in Child Rearing?

Raising children is an awesome responsibility. It is one that many people enter into blindly and with little preparation or planning. And yet most parents seem to just naturally know the right things to do. How do they do it?

Ask many young parents how they knew what to do when raising their child and their answers will be similar. "That's pretty much how my parents raised me" or "I just followed the same rules and routines my parents did." They may adjust certain rules or change certain routines with their own children, but the rules are still very familiar to the ones they grew up with.

Having set rules and following certain routines is very good for children. It gives them a sense of security as well as guidelines as to what is acceptable or what is not. For example, once a bedtime routine is established, a child knows his bedtime and prepares for it the same way and time every night. It gives them a sense of comfort as they go through the same, familiar routine every night. It also helps eliminate arguments and problems getting the child to bed. If he knows that at eight-thirty he must put his toys away and start getting ready for bed, he will be less like to beg for a little longer. Most parents set a thirty minute time limit to have a bath, bedtime snack, teeth brushed, and be in bed. If it takes longer than thirty minutes, then the child needs to begin earlier.

By establishing a routine, the child knows almost exactly how long it will take him to prepare for bed. After he adjusts to the normal routine, it usually becomes an easy and relaxing end to the busy day.

Parents who set rules and establish routines early in a child's life are paving the way for communication and trust. The child knows the rules and routines. And most children will follow those rules and routines without someone standing over them. The child knows the parent is trusting them. Besides, it's what they always do. It's familiar, therefore comforting.

On the other hand, parents who don't set specific rules or routines often find themselves in a power struggle. By not setting certain rules and guidelines, they open themselves up to arguments, tears, and frustrations. The child will not understand why he can do something sometimes but not at other times. Simple things such as doing homework before watching tv or no snacking before dinner become major issues. Issues that leave both the parent and the child upset and feeling bad.

Step-parents often find themselves in conflict with their spouse's children. Maybe there were no rules or routines, or they were different from yours. Either way, the sooner the rules and guidelines in the new household are established, the better off everyone will be. There may still be arguments and disagreements, and you may even have to adjust your rules. But the sooner the groundwork is laid and the rules clearly defined, the sooner everyone can start coming to terms with them. And since most of these children are older, this may take some time to accomplish.

Children do need set rules and guidelines. Establishing them and sticking to them may not be easy at first. But the long time benefits and rewards are well worth the initial effort and frustrations. And the children will be better off for it. After all, it lets them be children, not decision making adults.