Are You a Self-checkout Doofus?

When self-checkout registers started appearing in department and grocery stores a few years back, a lot of people weren't ready for them. Some apparently still aren't. The problem is, most people don't realize they are self-checkout challenged until it is too late - until they find themselves screaming back at a redundant voice recording who, unbeknownst to them, cannot hear them, and attempting to stab the pin pad to death with its own plastic Etch-A-Sketch type pen after it has rejected their credit card.

Luckily I have developed a personality inventory that everyone can take to determine whether or not they have the "right stuff" to enjoy a positive experience at the self-checkout counter. This way, you can save yourself the humiliation of a self-checkout breakdown in public as I have witnessed more times than I care to admit.

The title of this questionnaire is "Are You a Self-checkout Doofus?"

1. Do you have a propensity to try to make computerized devices respond to you by banging on them, such as slot machines, vending machines, and automatic bank teller machines? If so, then you should avoid self-checkout counters at all costs, particularly the pin pad. It will not respond to repeated smacking with the pen.

2. Do you talk back to computer-generated messages such as department store intercom announcements, automated political campaign phone calls, and announcements to watch your step at the end of moving walkways and rides at Disney World? If yes, I would recommend going to a live checker who can swear back at you when your credit card doesn't go through.

3. Are you unable end your cell phone call even when you are scanning and bagging groceries and there are a half dozen people behind you waiting to check out? If so, I'm sorry, you do not have the minimum required intelligence to use the sef-checkout aisle.

4. Do you have out-of-control children that will run amok in the self-checkout aisle and start pressing buttons on the pin pad after a customer (i.e., me) has just swiped her credit card causing her to wonder if the little brat just charged her card 8 million dollars? If so, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, go directly to the live cashier lane. (And don't forget to take your rugrats with you.)

5. Are you oblivious to those around you? Do you park your shopping cart in the center of the aisle so that other shoppers cannot access the self-checkout counter that is just beyond you? Yeah, see that counter a few feet ahead of you? One of the dozen or so people in line behind you just might want to use that one if they could only get to it.

6. Are you slow? If you tend to take more than one second to scan each item, then I am afraid you are TOO SLOW for the self-checkout lane. Get thee to a live and speedy checker.

7. Are you a first-timer? If you are contemplating joining the ranks of the proud self-checkout warriors, I beg you to consider the customers with melting ice cream and fast-cooling rotisserie chickens in their carts behind you and come back at, say, 3 a.m.

8. Are you forgetful? If so, be prepared to make several return trips to pay for the water you placed on the bottom of the cart and didn't see until you got to the car, or to retrieve the twenty-spot you asked for in change but forgot to pluck it from the automatic change dispenser. (Although, of course, it will be long gone by the time you return.)

9. Are you a self-checker stalker? Do you sneak up on self-checkers and stand directly behind them while they are scanning their items, or put stuff on the counter with their stuff in an effort to rush them along? Hint: self-checkers are an independent bunch and will likely slow down, just like they do when somebody tailgates them. This falls under Basic Self-checkout Passive Aggressive Techniques 101.

10. Do you have more than 300 items in your cart, half of which are weighables? If so, then you are probably unclear on the concept of self-checkout lanes. They are efficiency lanes, not hold-up-the-entire-store-for-an-afternoon lanes.

If you have answered "yes" to any of the above questions, I'm sorry to report that you definitely fall into the category of self-checkout doofus.

Drop the pin pad pen and no one gets hurt.