Are Stay-At-Home Mothers Making a Mistake?

Mothers, more often than fathers, face the dilemma of whether to work or be a stay-at-home parent. The focus is almost always on how this important decision will affect the children. However, in Leslie Bennetts' book, The Feminine Mistake, the focus is on how this decision will affect the financial well being of the mother.

Examining The Feminine Mistake

If skipping the prologue of a book is de rigueur for you, definitely reconsider when reading The Feminine Mistake. The author explains her personal family background, which is eye-opening, especially the information about her grandmother. Sadly, the author's grandmother spent most of her life waiting for her former husband and father of her children to come back to her. It never happened.

Bennetts also makes clear in the prologue that she does not intend her book to be an addition to the "Mommy Wars" subject. Uniquely, this book's main focus is the effect on the mother of working or staying home - not the effect on the child.

Returning to the Home

There is a resurging trend among new mothers to quit paid employment in favor of staying home with the children. Surprisingly, this kind of opting out of the workforce applies to highly educated, degreed women. According to a 2004 Center for Work-Life Policy study, 43 percent of women with children who had graduate degrees or high-honor bachelor's degrees declined to stay in the workforce. Could the emerging trend for the most popular college degree be the MRS degree?

The Welfare of the Child or the Parent?

The welfare of the children is the often articulated reason a stay at home mother gives for her choice to stay home. Sociologist Louise Roth studied the issue of opting out. It turns out, there is a more common reason women choose to opt out. The women who chose to quit their jobs, as opposed to women who had children and continued working, were dissatisfied with their employment situation. Those who continued working were generally happy with their jobs. When asked, however, most stay at home mothers cite the socially accepted reason of the child's best interests.

The Need for Economic Independence

The economically dependent wife dynamic is sure to result in disaster when such life events occur as the sole breadwinner losing his job, becoming disabled, dying, or divorcing the nonworking mother.

That one in every two marriages end in divorce is a commonly known statistic. Marriages that end in divorce are not the only reflection of unhappiness in marriage. Alarmingly, a January 2007 Woman's Day magazine survey asked if women had it to do over again, would they marry their husbands? Twenty percent of married women said they are not sure they would marry their husbands again. Thirty-six percent said they definitely would not marry their husbands again. These statistics speak loudly in favor of the need for financial independence.

The Negative Effect on a Woman's Career

According to the 2004 Center for Work-Life Policy study, about one in four women who have opted out and later want to become re-employed are unable to do so at all. Most women who do manage to become employed again find they have lost a significant percentage of their earning power.

The Potential for Abuse

There are horrendous stories of emotional abuse and other types of abuse that may result when one partner controls the money. Amazingly, some marriages consist of a man who is in control of all the important financial decisions. The man then keeps this financial information secret from his wife as a way of exerting power over her. In a marriage, having access to the money to support oneself usually results in more equal power.

Changing Attitudes, But More Progress Needed

Men's attitudes are progressing in regard to whom should earn what money in a marriage. Alas, there is a strong conservative backlash against these changing views.

When it comes to domestic division of labor, women overwhelmingly do more of the household tasks. There are a myriad of double standards in regard to housework. To achieve the most happiness by having an equitable partnership, women and men must strive for equity in domestic duties.

Research continuously shows that children of working parents have at least as good a quality of life as children of a stay-at-home parent. Working mothers spend both quality and quantity time with their children. The backlash against working mothers is perhaps really aimed at women neglecting housework, not childcare.

The Good Enough Life

Many women choose to focus all their efforts on their family or all their efforts on their career. These women say they couldn't possibly be a perfect mother if they worked. Conversely, women who choose to focus entirely on their career at the expense of family say they couldn't possibly have the perfect career if they had a family. Balance, balance, balance. No one must be the perfect anything. Being a good enough parent, partner, or worker is good enough. Moreover, men are never faulted for having both a career and family.

Professional and Educational Backlash

Unfortunately, colleges and employers are progressing backward in regard to the advancement of women. Because of the numbers of women leaving the workforce to stay home with the children, some colleges are becoming more hesitant to train women in professional fields and some employers are fearful of hiring and making an investment in women who may leave the workforce when they become mothers. Other companies are responding more proactively by implementing programs to keep women engaged in their profession.

Women and men everywhere should heed Mahatma Gandhi's message that "We must be the change we wish to see in the world." The amount of time necessary to spend raising children is a small portion of one's entire lifespan. Women must focus on the long-term rewards of being financially independent from their husbands.

Everyone Should Read The Feminine Mistake

The Feminine Mistake makes the case for the necessity of financial independence and autonomy for women. An old issue is examined in a very new light. Although this book focuses too heavily on women in extremely affluent marriages, the take-away messages are relevant to every woman. Reading The Feminine Mistake is sure to result in one step forward for the individual woman and a giant leap forward for womankind.