Are You Their Whipping Boy & Scapegoat?

Let me start out by saying I am still a whipping boy and scapegoat for some of the people in my life now and in my past. The only difference is, now I don't allow it. In other words although others may still think of me this way, and try to treat me this way, it's no longer acceptable.

It truly hurts me to admit I use to be the perfect whipping boy and scapegoat for just about anyone who came along. I was especially good at it with family and friends. What is a whipping boy and scapegoat? To make it simple without a lot of psychological mumbo jumbo, it's someone who takes the blame and heat for everything that goes wrong. We can also be known as doormats, people pleasers, the abused, or just plain idiots for allowing people to use us in the way that they do. Often times we are just naïve, overly caring, and passive individuals that unfortunately didn't learn that love is NOT suppose to hurt.

Let's first look at the type of person that likes to have their own personal whipping boy and scapegoat to get them effortlessly through life. Sometimes they are bullies, just looking for someone weaker than they are to shoulder the blame and heartache for everything they don't want to deal with. Sometimes they're some form of addict. Let's face it; with all the media coverage on addiction just about everyone knows an addict doesn't believe they're responsible for anything, including their own life. Sometimes they were raised in a dysfunctional home where they learned that blaming others is just fine and dandy. Sometimes they have power and control issues. What better way to be in control than have someone else except the blame for everything. Sometimes they were severely abused as children and they're taking out all their anger on a loved one, rather than dealing with their own pain. Mind you, these are just reasons, NOT excuses. There is NO excuse for putting onto to others what we ourselves should be dealing with. That's what counseling and treatment centers are for.

So, you're probably wondering how I went from a good little whipping boy and scapegoat? Well, lots of personal counseling, and getting a degree in counseling sure helped. However, you don't need the latter to be a successful ex-victim. My real strength was just deciding one day that I couldn't and wouldn't take it any longer. I also had to believe I was worth not be treating that way. I also needed to see these people for who they really were. They weren't people with power over me, just plain old weak, hurting individuals that were in such denial of whatever was eating away at them, they couldn't even help themselves. They had NO power over me to make me accept anything I didn't deserve, but I sure had the power to say NO, I'm not to blame and if you keep acting this way, you can't be in my life. We only take onto ourselves what WE ALLOW. If you don't allow it, it can't happen. Seems simple, but oh so true.

Many people are under the assumption that an answer must be complicated to work. Not so. Sometimes it's as simple as saying NO, and walking away. Some of the people that use to use me, as their own personal whipping boy and scapegoat are long gone from my life for good. However, you don't have to always throw out the baby with the bath water. Some individuals will need to permanently go and others you can just learn how to handle. The ones you still want in your life, you will need to be firm with, set boundaries, and sometimes just temporarily walk away. NO matter what you need to be consistent in letting them know, you will NO longer take the blame, or abuse, and they need to solve their own problems. Some of them will never get it, and they WILL have to go, that's if you want to survive, and be happy. After all as most of us know, we CAN'T change another person no matter how hard we try. They have to want to change, and do the work in order to change. Meanwhile do whatever you need to do, to stay mentally, emotionally, and physically safe and healthy!

FYI: Please know that I am aware that there are certain domestic violence situations that can be extremely dangerous and possibly deadly. Oftentimes when someone tries to leave this heightens the anger of the abuser. NO hasty decisions about leaving should be made alone without a qualified counselor to help, and a safe plan for leaving. It is always better to be safe than sorry!