Are You Too Picky?

So you've been single a while and haven't found Mr. Right yet. Time is ticking away, you're hoping to get married someday, and you're starting to lose hope! Your friends and family say "You're too picky!" but you disagree - you know what you want and you refuse to settle just to get a husband. But secretly you wonder: am I too picky? Or, have I just not found him yet?

Picky Vs. Discriminating

As I discuss in It's Not Him, It's YOU, there's a difference between being picky and being discriminating. Being picky means focusing too much on surface characteristics such as his height, his income, his job title, or other external details. While these things are nice, they aren't the makings of long term bliss. Being discriminating, on the other hand, means focusing on who a man really is, his values, how he treats you, and how compatible he is with you. These are the things that keep people together (and happy!) over the long haul.

Too Picky?

Many women make the mistake of being too picky. One of my clients wanted what I call the Fantasy Man: he had to be over six feet tall, athletic, handsome, make more money than her, live within five miles of her, and know which fork to use at a nice restaurant. Not surprisingly, she's still single! Even if she did manage to find a man with all those things, what are the odds he'd be a good match for her in other ways? Not good. Picky women are often terrified of "settling" - but, ironically, these women wind up settling because they focus too much on criteria that don't matter, and too little on ones that do.

How Discriminating Are You?

Another mistake is to not be discriminating enough. Picky women, or women who just need to be in a relationship, will date men they aren't compatible with or who don't treat them right. I know a pretty, fun, great woman who loves to run, camp, and hike big mountains - she has a true outdoorsy, adventurous spirit. Yet, despite there being tons of outdoorsy men who would kill for a woman to share that passion with, she winds up with much older men who drink a lot, don't exercise, and who wouldn't be caught dead camping. She isn't discriminating enough, and her relationships go nowhere.

What About Men??

Men call also fall prey to having poor standards. I see two common patterns with men: the first is the picky man who focuses only on physical attraction. This man will chase the hot chick or the much younger woman, date her, and then realize he has nothing in common with her or that she doesn't treat him well. The second pattern is the man who's lonely or recently divorced; he is so desperate for a woman's attention that he doesn't choose carefully, and winds up in an unsatisfying relationship.

Overall, aim to be less picky and more discriminating when you date. It's okay to have some "picky" items on your list, but don't have too many - most of those things don't wind up being as important as you thought. If you meet someone who you're attracted to, who you have tons in common with, and who makes you feel great, are you really going to care that he's short or she's ten pounds heavier than you prefer? Unlikely! Focus on finding someone you truly connect with, someone who turns you on physically, mentally, and emotionally.

If you follow this model, you will eventually find the right person. Interestingly, when people find their Mr. or Mrs. Right, the one thing they often say is, "The love of my life isn't anything like I'd imagined they'd be." Keep an open mind, and an open heart.