Are You a Villain?

Do you struggle day after day to make this world a better place for everyone and it doesn't seem to be working? Is there a strange feeling you don't belong and wonder about your purpose in life? Do you think your destiny is to be on another team, one that plays by different rules? Do you need to hold your cat while talking on the speakerphone? You-- yes you-- may be a villain, possibly even a super-villain!

I don't want to push you into a life of evil if you don't want that, and surely none of us wakes up in the morning wanting, planning to be the bad guy. Nobody says, "I'm going to irritate someone by pretending to go into the offramp, then swerve right back into the freeway again",or "I'm going to fart in a crowded elevator and not feel guilty about it". Nobody, except those who are destined to be the villain, the heavy, the nemesis of the system, the misunderstood visionaries whose solutions will be called too extreme, or even "wrong" by this farce of common sense, a popularity contest called "majority rule". Those Fools!

Egads, you caught me monologuing again! Anyways, answer this brief questionnaire to determine if you have what it takes to take on the world.

- Are you bald, or at least have an exotically-shaped goatee? (extra points if you are a woman)
- Do you keep man-eating sharks in your swimming pool?
- In your basement, are there giant vats of either red-hot, or super-cooled liquids you keep for scientific purposes (i.e. for people to constantly fall into)?
- Does your desk have a control panel with a button that says "Trap Door"?
- Do you own a cabinet filled with 3,000 identical Nehru jackets?
- Is there an industrial-power laser beam in the middle of your living room (and not in the kitchen where it belongs)?

- Do you find the following remarks funny:
(a) Where have you taken my daughter?
(b) I demand you release me at once!
(c) This is madness, I tell you. Madness!
(d) You're making a big mistake. Superman will save me!
(e) You'll never get away with this!
(f) Not the salad tongs! Anything but that! Aieeeeeee!
(g) (or the abbreviated version, simply:) Aiieeeeee!

- Do you wear tall boots, a spandex body suit with metallic chest ornament, and a cape with a half-meter-high collar-- just to watch TV by yourself?
- Have you owned the same big-screen TV since the 50's?
- Have you also had the same computer from the 50's, but it can somehow broadcast your personal video message to every television in every country in the world?
- Do you pronounce "Superman" as "Syoo-pah Maaaan"?
- Is your shark pool equipped with an electronically retracting platform, preferrably made of perforated stainless steel?
- Do you hear an omnious soundtrack every time you laugh or even just chuckle at someone?
- Do you go through 5, maybe 6 minions and right-hand men per year?

- Is your 200-foot banquet table only set up to serve two, maybe three elegantly-dressed people?
- Have you ever been played by Cary Elwes in a movie (and we're counting "Liar, Liar" and "Twister" here)?
- Have you ever given your sworn enemy a detailed, guided tour of your workplace? Only to have him blow it up several times?
- Do you keep a harem of astoundingly gorgeous women you're not even pretending to be faintly interested in?
- Have world leaders ever taken you seriously?
- Can you kill people with your hat?
- Does your employee roster include some 500 henchmen, and you don't even know what "henching" involves, except that it requires a hardhat and some clipboards?
- Do you have your own subway? Does it have its own jail?

If the above sounds familiar, if you have said "yes" to one or more of the questions, you may just have the right streak of evil that this world needs to keep the those squeaky-clean good guys in busy, self-justified employment. There could be a satisfying --and dare I say it, profitable-- future for you in the world of villainy. Report to your local chapter of the Legion of Doom, Kingpin, The Microsoft Corporation, and Mervyn's Department Store. Run, don't walk! In fact, fly, levitate on your mini-platform or carjack the Penguin-mobile to sign up today. Ask them for the Heart of Evil Career Package and brochure. They will know just what to do with you. Remember, if you play your cards right ( i.e. by cheating) the world could soon be yours. BWA-HAHA-hah-hahahahaahaaaa!!!!!