Arguing in Front of Your Kids: the Hidden Dangers

It isn't uncommon for children to witness a heated discussion between their parents. Parents don't always agree on everything, and life's stressors combined with tough decisions that affect everyone can make for tense moments. Sometimes these arguments, even non-violent ones, can cause damage to your child's mind, and not just to their emotional stability.

In moments of stress, the brain releases a chemical called cortisol, which forces the body to tense up and seize. It also puts the brain on high alert so that it can better communicate to the body what is needed for emergency performance and quick response. Cortisol is related to the "fight or flight" syndrome.

Adults can find ways to dissipate cortisol. We can take deep breaths, find our "happy place", or get exercise to release it. Young children don't automatically think of this tension release and the cortisol can remain in their brains and actually damage them. Continuous high levels of cortisol exposure to their small brains have been shown to affect memory and emotional development.

When young children- from infants to school aged- feel that their lives are in danger or an element of security is being removed, it can trigger a cortisol release in their brains. These children rely on your status as parents for everything. When they feel that this protection is falling apart, cortisol levels can start to rise.

This isn't to say that any cortisol-raising activities are bad for kid's brains. In fact, these "stress" chemicals may be good for them and a way of stretching their mind development. Just imagine a child during a field day obstacle course or trying to solve crossword puzzles in a time limit. If these things are fun, they will induce positive stress for a moment and then go away.

Those activities don't compare to long, drawn out arguments among parents. They aren't the same as hearing parents throw things, screaming, saying statements like "I'm leaving and not coming back!" Those all can scream "danger!" to a child's secure world. Even if you aren't in the same room as them when these types of arguments happen, children are perceptive and can hear glass breaking downstairs.

Will one fight like this do damage? Probably not. Children are fairly resilient. But several fights can really raise the risks. Sometimes children may try to unconsciously release that tension through acting out via fights at school, disruptive behavior or even mimicking the parent's actions.

SOURCE: • J.D. Bremner, "Does Stress Damage the Brain?", Biological Psychiatry, 1999