Arizona Man Celebrates His Transcension from Worthless Human to Person

Phoenix-Former construction worker Joey Teller Inc., 33, threw a lavish party Friday afternoon to celebrate his transcension from a worthless human being into a person with something to offer the world.

The joyful event was marked with the giving of rare gifts such as leopard skin rugs and baby seal slippers; the playing of games such as Hit The School-Teacher Piñata and Pin The Tail On The Homeless Bum; and the doling out of checks to Joey Teller Inc's republican friends, many of whom are suffering difficult times and could therefore use a little financial boost to help clear their heads.

"After wasting the last thirty-three years of my life as a worthless and lazy human being who contributed absolutely nothing to society, I cannot begin to tell you how good it feels to finally be a person," Joey Teller Inc. told a small crowd of other persons at the gathering. "I just wish I could share this moment with my mother and father, but they're worthless humans, and frankly, it just wouldn't have felt right inviting a species so beneath us to such a prestigious celebration."

Joey Teller Inc. went on to describe his former life as a worthless human being. Before becoming a person, he had wasted ten years building homes that'll eventually get destroyed by a natural disaster; procreating with his worthless wife; and raising his even more worthless, physically handicapped daughter. The two have since been seized and deported to a place humans call a homeless shelter.

"It's a shame that my former wife and daughter couldn't come along with me on this journey, but it's for the best," Joey Teller Inc. explained. "As a person, I've come to realize that a family is in fact nothing more than a gang, and by golly, I don't want to be a gang leader."

The celebration culminated with the Holy Sacrifice Of The Baby, in which Joey Teller Inc. was required to drown a cabbage patch doll in a tub full of money. It's a symbolic exercise designed to teach new persons that money precedes everything, including but not limited to worthless humans, worthless animals, and the most worthless of all: planet Earth.

"It's very important that Joey Teller Inc. understand that everything can and must be sacrificed for the betterment of our financial profits," Joey Teller Inc's mentor, Barry Simpson Inc., later explained to reporters. "You see, unlike those worthless humans, we persons know the meaning of sacrifice."

Immediately following the celebration, Joey Teller Inc. sat down with his republican friends to negotiate his Person Benefits Package. In addition to the customary benefits, including large tax cuts and the right to mow down humans in a riding lawnmower (it's a tradition, much like playing golf and having affairs with illicit mistresses), Joey Teller Inc. was also granted access to the Golden Throne, a gold-encrusted toilet entrusted to the asses of only the most deserving persons.

Afterward, Joey Teller Inc. proceeded to have his own little private celebration by taking a royal shit while sipping on Chardonnay. His time on the Golden Throne was unfortunately cut short, however, by a loud and obnoxious band of humans who abruptly showed up to spew anti-person hatred and intolerance.

Led by human spokesman Stephen Myers, the unruly mob claimed that it was because of the purported greed of persons like Joey Teller Inc. that state employees are being laid off, funding for state universities is being cut, and Medicare patients are being denied dental care.

"There's more to life than just profits!" Myers and his goons alleged.

"What a bunch of rubbish!" Joey Teller Inc. shouted back at them, while using a life-sized fly swatter to ward off protesters. "If it weren't for our profits, you lowly humans wouldn't be able to able to enjoy our high-quality, garden-fresh processed foods; our delicious and life-enhancing cigarettes; or our sacred tanning booths, which, by the way, Dr. Anne Coulter says can help cure cancer."

Thankfully, the protest was soon after dispersed courtesy of Phoenix's police force, who themselves were then asked to leave because they too were humans.

"If these pathetic humans would just give up their foolish dreams of finding some intrinsic value in being a human, maybe they'd finally shut up and give up this futile battle against us persons," Joey Teller Inc. later told reporters.

He continued, "I mean, it's not like they have the power to change anything."

Moral of the story 1: Corporations are like vampires, except that instead of sucking blood, they suck the life out of people. America is becoming exceedingly sick and tired of their crap, and if they don't get it together soon, they're going to have to learn the hard way. Yo, ya'll don't rule this country; We the HUMANS do! Remember that.

Moral of the story 2: "The beauty of me is that I am very rich." (Trump) Well, the beauty of me is that "I got twice the dick, and you can believe that!" Chump! :-)