Arriving at Eternity: A Dialogue

NEWBIE: What a crazy trip. Hey! This place is pretty nice. Oh, look at that gate -- Beautiful! I guess that's the way I should go.

GATEKEEPER: Welcome to Heaven. Be sure to check out our fine restaurants. Enjoy your stay, blah, blah; just go in, would you?

NEWBIE: Hey, man! You're Peter, right? This is so awesome!

GATEKEEPER: No, that ain't me. Now move along.

NEWBIE: What do you mean? I thought Peter was the gatekeeper here.

GATEKEEPER: Used to be. He's got a new gig now. Name's Marcus Cornelius Felix.

NEWBIE: Oh, wow! So, you're a Roman then? I've always wanted to meet someone from ancient Rome!

GATEKEEPER: Lucky you. But we don't do the whole nationality thing here.

NEWBIE: But you have a Roman name? Why do you have a Roman name then?

GATEKEEPER: Can I help what my name is? Just go, would you?

NEWBIE: For someone in Heaven, you certainly don't seem very happy. What's your problem? Maybe I can help.

GATEKEEPER: Bored. And you can't help.

NEWBIE: Bored? How can you be bored in Heaven? This place is great! I mean, just look inside. There's everything a person could want.

GATEKEEPER: Yeah. It was fun for the first thousand years or so. After that, well, you've just done it all.

NEWBIE: Well, why don't you make something new to do?

GATEKEEPER: Nothing new left. People have been coming here from thousands of worlds for millions of years. There ain't a new idea left.

NEWBIE: But wait, if there's that many people, you couldn't have possibly talked to all of them. Why not talk with them?

GATEKEEPER: First of all, I don't want to talk to everybody. Some just ain't my type, you know? The rest, we've talked enough. You got no idea how long the days are here. I talked to a quadrillion people in my first day alone.

NEWBIE: Well, and this is just a thought, why don't you go to Hell? Sorry for saying that, God.

GATEKEEPER: Sorry? He ain't paying attention. He got too bored with us long ago and just doesn't bother much anymore. But who can blame him? And there ain't no Hell, so that's out.

NEWBIE: No Hell? Then where do bad people go? Surely you don't mean to tell me Hitler is up here!?

GATEKEEPER: What? You think God's a jerk or something? He wouldn't make people suffer forever just because of a few little things. As for Hitler, yeah, he's here. He just lives in a less nice section of Heaven with other less well liked people. You know, people have tried to kill him. That didn't work so good though. Up here it's just best to forgive and to forget the past. It don't do no good to cling.

NEWBIE: But isn't God making you suffer now?

GATEKEEPER: No, he meant well with the whole eternal life thing.

NEWBIE: Are you certain about that?

GATEKEEPER: Guess so. He never talked much about Himself though, so it's hard to know. I laugh sometimes. Man can escape death, but he can't escape boredom.

NEWBIE: Wait a minute though. I'm a new face, aren't I? So, this must be new for you, right? You've never had this conversation before.

GATEKEEPER: Sorry, pal, but you ain't that original. I've lost track of how many times I've had this conversation.

NEWBIE: But I'm new!

GATEKEEPER: If I shave a dog and put a toga on it, it's still the same dog. Now go in, huh? You're holding up the line.

NEWBIE: I'm not so sure I want to now.

GATEKEEPER: Like you got a choice.