For Real Pet Lovers Only

I came across an article the other day that just had me shaking my head. I've written before about the imbecilic idea of 'Doggie Nuptials', but really had no idea of how off the wall pet owners can be.

I don't own any animals. Never have. Raising three kids was enough for me, I don't need to be tied down by worrying what to do with Fido when I want to take off for a weekend. My wife has owned a couple of dogs in her life and she wrote about them in this space a few weeks back. For you nit-pickers out there, she went into my collection of dog pictures and posted one of a German Shepherd beside the article, which was about Staffordshire Bull Terriers. To make up for this grave injustice, I've posted a picture of a 'Staffie' on this article and ask your forgiveness.

There seems to be a call for this country to catch up with the U.S., Japan and the U.K. when it comes to showering our four-legged best friends with extravagant excess.

New York Pet Fashion week apparently was unveiled to rave reviews in the U.S. Critics were doing flips over a $5,500 hand-made dog wedding gown. The bodice for the piece consisted of more than 1,000 hand-beaded Swarovski beads. Excuse me? Over five large for a 'wedding gown' for a hound? My first wife didn't spend that much for her dress plus the bridesmaids gowns. Add in the tux rentals for me and the groomsmen and the whole bill came in under $1,500. Geez, that five grand would have been a down payment on our first house! (And no, it wasn't that long ago. I got married the first time in 1972)

"These animals are part of the family, so being part of a wedding makes perfect sense," says Elizabeth Moyer, spokesman for The Gilded Paw, an upscale Pennsylvania based online clothing shop which bought the dog dress. Upscale? Nuts, I say. (By the way, what happens to the 'children' if the 'marriage' goes south?) Most of the pricey dog fashion treats The Gilded Paw offers are scooped up by Texans and Californians. I can understand California being crazy but Texas threw me. I would have expected Florida instead. There are bloggers in that state who seem to subscribe to this kind of foolishness.

Of course your little baby can't just fall in love with the first mongrel that comes along, so large orders are coming in from the U.K., where dog lover dating services are springing up. Dog lover dating services. What do they talk about at that all important first meeting? Do they bring the dogs with them? What if the dogs are compatible but the owners are not? Shades of Romeo and Juliet.

Neiman Marcus' 2006 Christmas Book offers crystal-encrusted leashes for $185 and luxury pet homes starting at $5,000. I don't own a pair of shoes worth $185 and for $5,000 I can put a substantial down payment on a cottage by a lake. This year, some American pets are expecting to wake up on Christmas morning to $245 cashmere sweaters and 18-karat gold bowls. Really? How in the world are we supposed to know what they are expecting? I guess you will need to hire a PETA person to translate for you if you don't already have ESP.

New York Dog, a glossy Vanity Fair for dog worshipers apparently features obituaries, 'doggiescopes' and lavish photo layouts. Here in Canada, a local fund raiser is planning a cocktail party for dogs. Question: Will the mutts prefer martini's, whiskey sours, black Russians, or just plain beer? Question: How will they be able to tip the glass to imbibe? Question: Who's going to be the designated driver?

A few days ago canine models strutted down a runway at Yorkdale Mall, wearing the season's latest pooch must-haves. The apparel is huge in New York and Los Angeles according to Stacey Halliday, a marketing manager for P.J.'s Pets. P.J's Pets seems to be a group of lonely people who put on dog apparel fashion shows complete with music, catwalk and rabid applause from fans. Do these people need to get a life? One after another, dog models prance down the runway with cold noses stuck high in the air. They wear leather jackets, glasses, rain slickers and winter coats. One of the more expensive products is a $149 jogger-stroller, built especially for lazy dogs.

A 25-year-old Brampton truck driver, Samir Sarobiya, couldn't really understand the need to deck a pet out in the latest fashions. "I'm not that crazy," he said. And that about says it all, doesn't it? On the other hand, we have Kelly Jordan, who accompanied her tiny pink poodle Renee and her Australian cattle dog Shelagh down the runway, and sees it all as money well spent. "I'm a woman, we accessorize," she said. This coming from a woman with a pink poodle and thinks the money is well spent. I'll go with Mr. Sarobiya here. Ms Jordan has enough collars and leashes to outfit the Toronto Humane Society and she has spent $500 on fake testicles for one of her dogs, planning to repeat the cosmetic procedure for another. She considers it her greatest gift ever to a pet. First, you cut them off and then you supply them with fake ones. Yup, great gift. I'm just glad my wife didn't choose to give me THAT one for Christmas.

There are some Toronto pet stores now that offer organic dog food and deli fresh meals, so Fido can lose enough weight to fit into the latest imported styles. We certainly don't want our precious baby to wear average, everyday clothes, do we?

The Paris Hilton syndrome seems to be working its way down. And who wouldn't want to be Paris? Anyone with a brain, I guess.