Artificial Insemination and In-vitro Fertilization: What to Tell the Kids

If you're a having trouble conceiving, part of a same sex couple, have medical issues or got a ticking clock and no partner, you might consider either artificial insemination or in-vitro fertilization. Having a child through sperm donation or IVF presents some serious questions for parents to be. If you're a single woman or with a female partner, what do you tell the kids about their "real" father? In regards to IVF or AI surrogates, how do you explain why the mother who gave birth to them isn't in their life? What if you're a couple who couldn't conceive by conventional means? Do you tell the children? How and when do you break the news?

Honesty is the best policy. Better to let your kids know the circumstances of their conception before someone with bad intentions does it for you. This is true, whether you're talking about artificial insemination IVF or even adoption. Kids should hear the truth from a loving parent first to eliminate misconceptions.

How do you tell a child they have a donor parent? If it were me, I would explain how glad I was that they came into my life through the miracle of modern science. I would let them know that without this option, I wouldn't have had such a wonderful person (them) in my life. I would also let them know how grateful I was to the donor or surrogate mother for giving me such a great kid.

Timing might differ from child to child. Some kids may be alright with this information from an early age. Others may need a little maturity before full disclosure. If your household has two moms, two dads or just one parent likely your child will question you when they're ready for the answers. Do you you have a conventional traditional relationship, but used a donor or surrogate? It's still best to let your child know the truth; before someone less tactful does it for you.

Here's what one woman had to say about her experience with artificial insemination:

"Ok. We have had one child by AI. We are planning/working on another one with same donor. Yes we will be honest with our son (in how he was conceived) and support him if he has issue with it.
We are going to wait until he asks or until he is ready for the birds and bees talk. I think age varies depending on maturity of child. We are hoping he feels so loved and confident that it will be a non-issue for him. He has plenty of father type figures in his life. But the main thing is to teach that families have all different types and that he is special enough to have 2 mommies." - Jillian Church-Grayson

What about women considering IVF through a surrogate due to medical reasons? Here's a few opinions gleaned from a support group for those suffering from one such issue:

(I've used first names only to protect their privacy)

"It is a hard call. If I was a kid in that position I would like to know about it. I think if that situation ever came up that I would tell them around six years old. They are still young enough and influential. You don't want to wait until they are too old because then they may allow themselves to hold some hard feelings. Yes, a 6 year old won't completely understand, but i know at that age kids are very accepting." - Frannie

"Yes I would tell them from an early age. If we have a child via IVF/surrogate I would tell from a very young age that Mum's tummy was broken and she needed help to have them. I think even 6 is too late. Children need things explained in an age appropriate way. As they got older and they had more questions then they would be answered. The most important thing is for the child to know they were really wanted and loved." - Cheryl Ann

"I agree - I remember when my mom told me about sex and babies, I was age 7. She told me the truth because I was asking questions. I would do the same for my children - tell them the truth if they ask questions. There's no reason to hide something like IVF from them. I also agree with the age appropriate explanations - as they grow older, you can get more technical with them, but always tell your children the truth." - Sheryl

It seems honesty is a big part of using alternate conception methods. I was surprised that not one of the people that responded would hide the truth from their children. There is something to be said for progress after all. Remember when adoptions IVF and sperm donations were an uncomfortable taboo subject? It's nice to know that the majority of people considering AI and IVF now believe in sharing these miracle solutions with the children they create.

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