As Seen on TV and Just in Time for Christmas

Like Christmas, some commercials only come around once a year. Many of the products are now marketed under the "As Seen On TV" label. The skeptic in me watched these commercials with a wary eye, but I still have a feeling these twisted pieces of Chinese-made dog crap will fly off Santa's sled like beads at a Mardi Gras parade.

"As Seen On TV" is where marginal inventions, underpowered plastic scrap, and failed dreams go to die for $19.99 per pop. Allow me to expound on the list of litter found on drug store end caps every Christmas.

The Snuggie and it's knock-off neighbor the Slanket are of course the low-hanging fruit. If you're not a fan of one-trick-pony products, you can simulate the Snuggie experience by wearing your robe backwards.

For those who haven't mastered the ancient art of cutting things with a knife, there's the Perfect Brownie Pan. This segmented pan supposedly bakes individual treats that pop out perfectly on the accessory stand. $14.99 would buy a pretty decent blade that not only works on brownies, but all manner of cakes, pies, meats, and veggies.

If you'd rather grill than bake, the Grill Daddy Pro makes clean up a bree...whoops, you almost got me...makes clean-up a laborious and ridiculous task. This hunk of junk is a standard wire grill brush and scraper enhanced with the power of steam. Have you ever tried to boil water with a double-A battery? I think you see the inherent flaw in the design.

Removing things is a running theme of these products. By the number of products invented to deal with the problem, unwanted hair is a serious and potential deadly enemy we all face. Oddly, hair removal products always use the word "Europe" or "European" in their pitch. A very odd thing since hair-removal is a curiously American idea. You'll never find a bush-pitted French girl buying the Wizzit or Ultra Smooth.

Sometimes the commercial itself is a clue to the products uselessness. If you watch closely the Point And Paint commercial shows the product not doing it's job. If this thing were as spectacular as the pitch makes out, professional painters would be using it. That should be your first clue to how bogus this thing is.

Well, the list goes on, but I'll just add this: if the appliance includes a clock where you can advance the time more quickly by rapidly tapping the button than holding the button down, it's junk. Clocks like this have been scientifically proven to slow time within a 3 meter sphere of the appliance. The only advantage to being within the time bubble is your hair growth slows so you don't need the Wizzit.

Let's lend a hand and make holiday shopping as easy as putting on your Christmas morning Garanimals. Let this be the start of the campaign to re-label the drug-store end caps from "As Seen On TV" to "Hey, you don't need to give a thought to gift buying." Hell, they could even sell them pre-wrapped and you'd be as surprised as your unwitting victim...er...gift recipient on Christmas morning.