Ask Emma: Celebrity Advice

Dear Emma,

Cadbury just released a new chocolate bar. Next to it was copy that read "Move over, Naomi, there's a new diva in town. I'm the world's most pampered bar." Is this racist or am I being too sensitive?
- Naomi Campbell

Dear Naomi Campbell,

Yesterday, a man got on a train and knocked out three of an elderly Sikh man's teeth because he was wearing a turban. He yelled out "This is for you, Osama!" as he did it. That was racist.

A Cadbury bar referencing your name next to chocolate is not racist. It's free publicity (bitching about it, incidentally, is also free publicity).

And while it may help to extend your professional diva career longer than your professional modeling career, it also diminishes all other racist claims.

Certain people roll their eyes at the very mention of the word "racist" because frivolous people bandy it about for attention. You don't have to get your teeth knocked out to be a victim of racism, but it takes more than a little harmless add copy to do any real damage.

Playboy for Humanity


Dear Emma,

I recently shot a spread for Playboy magazine. My intention was to empower women everywhere, including my two daughters Sea Louise and Thadeus Ann (Yes, those are really their names - why does everyone keep asking me that?).

But no matter how much I publicize my altruistic intentions, all I get are snarky remarks from everyone, including those jealous witches at The Real Housewives of New York City . How do I get everyone to see this not as a bid for attention, but evidence of what a selfless and beautiful person I am?
-Kelly Bensimon

Dear Kelly Bensimon,

No one ever believes anyone who says that they did a Playboy spread to "empower women". It's not because we're inhibited or prudes, it's just that we know you're full of crap.

There is only one reason in the world that anyone does a spread for Playboy magazine: for attention. And you have to want that attention so bad that you'll take it anywhere you can get it; even if it's from millions of faceless, fapping men.

Don't feel bad. The need for attention is a natural human impulse, one shared by most talented and/or famous people. Some of those people are even pretty awesome. But lying about it makes you less awesome and more sad and delusional.

And when you go on Naughty But Nice with your waif-like figure and wax ridiculous about representing "real women" and say things like " Everyone else was on a diet and I was like 'No! I want to be myself " it's just explanabragging and people will hate you for it.

So why not be honest? Tell those Housewives that you've been starving yourself for 43 years so that you can still flash your tits and make witches jealous. People will respect your honesty.

Sex Tape Suggestions

Dear Emma,

My ex-husband Ojani Noa is trying to sell the sex tape I made with him on our honeymoon back in 1997. If you can't trust your husband to keep your sex tape private, who can you trust? How do you know when its OK to have sex on camera?
- Jennifer Lopez.


Dear Jennifer Lopez,

There is no such thing as a private sex tape. That hasn't been a secret since the dawn of the VHS tape. The whole point of recording something is so that other people can watch it. For most of us that usually means your ex's buddies or the eager audiences over at YouPorn. If you're famous, the audience (and price tag) gets a little bigger.

The best advice I can give is never to make a sex tape unless you're prepared for lots of people to see it. If you're 25 with a rockin' J-Lo booty, that's probably the best time to do it. It's even better timing to arrange to have it leaked two or so decades later when your career is waning.

Don't Know Much About History

Dear Emma,

Recently I've been making the news for some of the gaps in my historical knowledge while on the campaign trail. But with so much on my plate, I just don't have time to prepare for pop quizzes on Paul Revere. How do you deal when you just don't know the answer and you really should?
- Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah Palin,

We can't all know the answer to every question at all times. Even the best education leaves blind spots, and surprise questions can be unnerving. Luckily, there are easy ways to handle the situation when a pop quiz finds you wanting.

The best first step for a politician is probably to ask yourself if you can get away with fudging the facts. If you're on camera, the answer to that question is always no. Please stop embarrassing yourself on television. You're supporters have spent too much money on your campaign trail to end up with nothing more than a series of clips that belong on a particularly embarrassing season of " Are You Smarter than a 5^th Grader?".

And if you can't fudge the facts, it's time to try the truth. Try saying "I don't know" or, plead the 5^th Amendment -- at the very least, you'll look like you know something about some aspect of American history. If amendments are another fuzzy part of your history knowledge, just go with brutal honesty and admit that you're shockingly ill informed for someone who is running for office.

I wouldn't worry about it's affect on your campaign. I don't think that the thinking people's vote was ever your bag. But on the bright side, that doesn't always matter. The end of President Bush's term left a vacuum and the Ignorant-and-Proud-of-It set have been hungry for a new leader ever since.

Play to your strengths. They may surprise you.