Ask Miss Belfry: Pet Rocks, Men, Women, Cats and Yogurt

In this addition, Miss Belfry answers questions about women, men, pet rocks, valerian root, and yogurt.

Miss Belfry lives in a parallel universe not far from Buckingham Palace. When she is not imparting wisdom to the unwashed masses or caring for her belfry bats, she works as a most distracting muse to an American writer.

Q: What do women want?

A: Women want a house in the country, a house in the city, a villa, horses, and someone to muck out the stalls. In addition, women want a handmaiden, a lady in waiting, a sexy automobile, and a cook. Most of all, women want respect and a really good bottle of wine.

Q: Why do men have nipples?

A: Few know this, but the first plastic surgeon happened to be a fairy named Flo. Most fairies did not like people back then, but Flo felt sorry for humans. She knew they couldn't help it that they were not as beautiful as fairies.

Flo decided men were exceptionally ugly and so she beautified them with nipples. She originally planned to add full breasts to men, but she had used up all her bosom material on Dolly Parton and some other wonderful women.

Without nipples, men are so appallingly ugly to the fairy folk that men would never be allowed into the woods to hunt or play. Be grateful you have nipples.

Q: Why does my cat love yogurt so much?

A: Cats love good bacteria. Have you ever heard bacteria sing? Cats love the sound. Next time you open a container of yogurt, press your ear to it and listen. If you still cannot hear the singing, smear some yogurt directly on your ear.

Q: Why did he just fart?

A: That's the yogurt singing.

Q: Does Valerian root have lasting mood side effects, and if so, what are they and how long do they last?

Yes. Valerian root does have lasting side effects (mood and behavior) for some people, especially creative types. Side effects may include inappropriate laughter (including laughing at one's own stupid jokes), channeling English women from parallel universes, getting lost in fruitless research, pretending to oneself the research is very important for something, and falling in love, deeply, with a gray herringbone riding jacket. Additional side effects include singing 80's songs to friends, and expressing surprise when the friends complain. These effects last from one day to a lifetime.

Q: What do you feed a pet rock?

A: Pet rocks require champagne and diamonds. However, there is a special method to feeding these rocks. You must let me know when you do this so that I can come over some night, preferably when you aren't home, to check that you've done it correctly.