Ask Miss Belfry: About Socks, Parallel Universes, Dish Washing, Socks and Tired Geese

In this edition, Miss Belfry answers questions about parallel universes, dish washing, and socks.

Miss Belfry lives in a parallel universe not far from Buckingham Palace. When she is not imparting wisdom to the unwashed masses or caring for her belfry bats, she works as a distracting muse to an American writer.

Readers ask pressing questions and Miss Belfry pulls answers from her... her storehouse of knowledge and wisdom.

Q: Miss Belfry, I have some questions, and I hope you have the answers (writes someone called "Fred").
Why is it, that after doing the dishes manually, you always find a teaspoon in the sink after you've drained the water?

A: Do you believe this is a widespread phenomenon? Can you handle the truth? The truth is you aren't paying attention whilst doing the dishes. You've been hypnotized by the suds. Slap or pinch yourself yourself every third dish or so, please, and you should be able to remain more alert.

Q: Is it true that when the water drains turning one way in the Northern Hemisphere, and the other way in the Southern Hemisphere?

A: Yes. Everything is backwards and upside down in the Southern Hemisphere. They drink from the opposite side of a glass, they sleep on the opposite side of the bed--everything is different. Where English is spoken, the accent is different because vowels are spoken backwards.

Q: Why is it, that I'm always left with one sock of a pair, and cannot find the matching one when they come out of the dryer? I buy them in pairs.

A: The missing socks are still there, but the dryer's centrifugal force renders them invisible. Try hanging socks on a clothesline instead. Don't pay any attention to people who say socks get sucked into another universe. Other universes have no need for your tatty old socks.

Q: Do Parallel Universes exist? If so, whereabouts are they? What do they look like? Can I go there on days that I don't like it here and return when I feel like it?

A: Yes, they do. I live in one. Only select persons are allowed to visit, however. If you feel you are special enough, you may apply for a VIP passport. Security measures are necessary to keep out the paparazzi. Many celebrities-Madonna, for example, and Paris Hilton, unfortunately--visit mine and the paparazzi are ever trying to gain access to these VIP parallel universes. In fact, to emphasize my point I have attached an old and very unflattering image of me taken years ago when paparazzi infiltrated Shirley MacLain's parallel universe birthday party.

Where are these universes? They are right here. And there. They look exactly like your universe, only more stylish.

Q: Do geese feel sore after flying south for the winter?

A: The stupid ones feel sore. Geese bodies are designed for flight. A smart goose brain is hard-wired to respond appropriately to wind direction, lift and so on. Stupid geese ignore instinct and therefore have to work much harder to keep up with the others.

If you are worried about the geese, you should try massaging them. Be sure to let me know how that goes.