Ask Mr. Tom 35

Christ on a bicycle, is this thing back again? I thought we'd heard the last from that notorious know-it-all back in November of ought-nine, with his feeble effort at enlightenment, Ask Mr. Tom 34. Well, no such luck. Another vital question remains to be answered, and Mr. Tom is here to provide that answer, as only he can.

Why, indeed, are we here? It seems to be our place to spend hours upon hours in abject misery, because it was so dictated by a higher power. So strongly does it seem, it actually happens.

We are meant to learn the virtues of patience, obedience and, above all, faith, that at some distant time, all this agony will be behind us, and we will happen upon a better, happier day.

I know, it is hard. Mr. Tom once exercised his capacity for patience when he somehow managed to lick a Tootsie Pop all the way to the chocolate filling, without biting into the thing, even a little bit. It damn near killed him.

On the other hand, it is perfectly legal to chomp right down on a Tootsie Roll, isn't it? Mr. Tom asks you, where is the justice in that?

Getting back to the subject at hand-What, the subject at hand? Mr. Tom does not believe he knows what you're talking about. No, seriously, getting back to the burning question of why we are here, it is because we have no say-so in the matter.

The notion we have developed among our species is that, if you play by society's rules, you will be free to come and go as you please, whereas, if you flout them, you shall be condemned as an outcast. Is that not so?

In pondering such a weighty issue, one can hardly help but think of the Parable of the Farmer and the Ocelot.

The farmer was busily weeding cornstalks from his stinkweed patch, when he chanced upon a very grumpy ocelot.

Why so glum, chum?" the farmer inquired.

"Ha! You would be glum too if you had just bolted the rotting remains of a gopher, only to discover, too late, that the carcass had been generously endowed with guano. Not exactly a tasty treat," the animal groused. "In fact, I'd have much rather eaten a grouse, but, I have to take what I can get."

"Hmmm," the farmer speculated, "it serves you right for being an ocelot."

It is important to think long and hard upon that parable if we want to continue distracting ourselves from such a vexations question as, "Why are we here/"

We might with equal fervor wonder, "When will our number be up?"

In any case...what...my number is next? About damn time!

Oh, wait a minute. Did you mean, why are we here on this Earth? Mr. Tom is sorry; he thought you were talking about the DMV.