Ask the Old Geezer...An Advice Column For, About and by the Senile, Vol. 1

You know folks, just about everybody needs a little help and advice nowadays including the mentally ill and senile. Normal people have Ann Landers and Dear Abby while these poor folks have nobody. They've just been ignored, swept under the rug and forgotten for too long now. I'm thinking that it's high time somebody did something about it. It is in this spirit that I have decided to take on the responsibility of trying to help these folks in their hour of need.

My first letter is from a fella named Bill Carbunkle in Havasupai who writes:

Dear Geeze,

The other night while sleeping my wife lost or misplaced her dentures. We searched high and low for hours and hours all to no avail. We tore the bed completely apart. We destroyed the bathroom, living room and kitchen but still no luck. At first we thought that maybe the dog had eaten them. But after rearranging a few yard bombs we sort of for obvious reasons gave up on that idea. Next we checked all the loaves of bread and all the lunch meat in the house thinking that maybe the last time she took a bite out of a sandwich they somehow attached themselves to the leftovers. Although we did find one of my hearing aids and one of her glass eyes, (It was in with the hard boiled eggs) we just couldn't seem to locate the missing prosthetic. Now, I love my wife and she ain't half bad looking without her choppers but let me tell you there's a huge difference in the amount of noise she makes while eating when she's got 'em in, (not nearly as much slurping action). Well sir, I was just bending over to check the septic tank to see if maybe she had inadvertently flushed them when I heard her cry out "I found 'em honey! I found em!" I turned around and said "Where sugar plum?' And she said "Behind You Sweet Lips". I quickly turned around but hell I couldn't see them nowheres. So I asked her again and she said "They're behind you honey dimples". Well I turned around and around till I was getting pretty dizzy and dadburn I never did find them canines. Frankly, I was drawing a blank. It was about that time when she gazed at me with that look she gets in that one eye of hers and said "Love Biscuit that's what I've been trying to tell you they're literally right behind you. In fact there they are stuck to your hiney". Now here's the problem. Now that I know where them teeth have been I just can't bring myself to kiss her. What do you recommend?

Dear Bill,

I'm with you buddy. No amount of cheap whiskey could erase that image from anybody's mind. You do indeed have a dilemma on your hands. Best thing I could recommend is if it looks like she might want to get frisky try to get her to gargle with one part hydrogen peroxide and two parts Drano before coming to bed. That should kill off anything communicable. Now I know that doesn't help much with the visual picture but if she still insists on puckering up I recommend that you close your eyes and pretend you're playing the trumpet while reminiscing about all those times she lanced your boils and dug the jam from your toenails when you couldn't get down there to do it yourself. Other than that all I can say is hang in there buddy and let me know how it all comes out.