Ask a Stupid Question: Confessions of an Internet Q&A Liar

Yesterday I received in an e-mail one of those questionnaires that circulates around the internet every now and then. The sender fills in his or her own answers, then you have to take out those answers and put in your own and send it back. I don't usually fill them out, but I was sort of put on the spot because after reading question number 42, "Who is most likely to respond to this?" the sender had written my name.

Doh!

So I painstakingly lied to all 53 questions and sent the questionnaire back to my friend. I mean, does anyone ever answer those things truthfully? Especially on the internet? You never know where it will wind up. The only question I answered truthfully was question number one: "First name."

Below is a list of some of the questions, how I answered each one, followed by the truthful answer.

Question # 2. Do you wish on stars?

Answer: No.

Truth: I haven't seen the stars for 11 years because I have a dog that wakes me up at five a.m. everyday for his morning walk so I'm usually in bed by eight. But I occasionally see the moon in the morning and I usually look up at it and wish I didn't have a dog.

Question # 4. When did you last cry?

Answer: May 23^rd.

Truth: Yesterday when I heard an OnStar commercial.

Question # 5. Do you like your handwriting?

Answer: Yes.

Truth: Only when I'm endorsing a check made out to me.

Question #6. What is your favorite lunch meat?

Answer: Ham

Truth: I like tuna better, but technically that's not a meat.

Question # 7. What is your most embarrassing CD?

Answer: Am I supposed to have one?

Truth: I don't understand the question.

Question # 8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

Answer: Yes.

Truth: I would not only be my friend but I would be my Sugar Daddy and my Fairy Godmother.

Question # 9. Do you have a journal?

Answer: No.

Truth: My mother found my diary when I was 16 and that sort of cured me for life.

Question# 10. Do you use sarcasm?

Answer: Yes.

Truth: Do ya think?

Question 11: What are your nicknames?

Answer: Just Cookie

Truth: Cookie, Miracle Ear, Bitch.

Question 12: Would you bungee jump?

Answer: No, but I have a kid who would.

Truth: I have a weak bladder.

Question # 13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Answer: Yes

Truth: I will not tie or untie wet shoelaces - it gives me the willies.

Question # 14. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

Answer: My flabby arms.

Truth: My half-acre ass.

Question # 15. Do you want everyone you send this to to send it back?

Answer: Yes.

Truth: Hell no!

Question # 16. Last thing you ate?

Answer: Rye toast and a bowl of Grape Nuts.

Truth: Four pieces of heavily buttered rye toast and a bowl of Grape Nuts.

Question # If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Answer: Purple.

Truth: O.K., this questionnaire is really starting to annoy me.

Question # 46. What's on your mouse pad?

Answer: Mermaids.

Truth: Well, I'm writing on a laptop right now and the mouse pad is downstairs by my PC and I'm really too lazy to get up and go downstairs and look at it, but I know there is water inside of it and naked women with long hair, so close enough.

Question # 47. What did you watch last night on T.V.

Answer: The Bill O'Rielly Show.

Truth: Please don't hate me.

Question # 48. Favorite smells?

Answer: Apple pie baking, cinnamon, campfires, hazelnut coffee

Truth: Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, and chocolate.

Question# 49. Favorite sounds?

Answer: The ocean, rain, children laughing, birds chirping.

Truth: Coins falling into a slot machine tray.

Question # 52. What is your ring tone.

Answer: Hello Moto.Truth: Funny you should ask - did you know that some phones can be set to sound like

they're, um, passing gas? (Just don't keep it in your locker at work if your locker happens to be located in the lunchroom.)

And last but not least, Question number 53 - Do you have a special talent?

Answer: No.

Truth: Actually, I think I'm pretty good at lying on these stupid internet Q&A's.