Asking for a Second Chance After Being Unfaithful

There are times when a simple "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it. This is one of those times. If you've cheated on your partner, chances are, they aren't going to accept a simple apology and move on. But that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed - if you're truly willing to give it another try, there's a chance things could work out. But your partner has to agree, too...and that's the trick. How do you convince someone you've cheated on to take you back? While there's no one-size-fits-all solution, here are a few principles to keep in mind.

1. Think it over first.

It's time to stop and think about the reasons why you cheated. Are you unhappy with some other aspect of your life, or is it your relationship that's not working out? Assigning blame, even in your own head, isn't going to help - but you do need to be realistic about your cheating. If you did it because you felt trapped, is that something that could potentially change? If you did it because your sexual needs aren't being met, are you willing to be more communicative and honest with your partner? If the answer to any of these questions is anything but a resounding "yes," maybe it's time to move on.

If you find yourself caught in a pattern of cheating, your priority should be seeking therapy for yourself to figure out why. Saving your current relationship takes a backseat to becoming a whole, healthy human being.

2. Drop your defenses.

Whatever reasons you might have for resenting your partner, drop them now. They will pick up on these feelings and pull away from you. Your partner feels angry and betrayed, and for a good reason. It's not worth defending yourself or making excuses for what you did - it might have just been a bad decision, and you might have your reasons, but your partner doesn't want to hear them right now. Don't engage in any "what were you thinking?" or "why would you do this?" discussions - apologize, apologize, and apologize more. Blaming, or even hinting that you strayed because of something your partner did, can come later when the two of you enter therapy. (I'm getting to that!) For right now, neither of you needs to start digging into the "whys," the important thing to focus on is whether your relationship has the solid basis you'll need to give it another shot.

3. Respect your partner's boundaries.

Everyone reacts to cheating differently. Some partners will want to talk about it right away, and they won't need any convincing to start working things out. Others will want to spend some time apart. Still others might write off the relationship immediately. Whatever your partner's reaction, and the way you feel about it, it's important to respect their wishes. Ultimately, this could mean that you don't even get an opportunity to talk to them about starting over. It's important that you accept this and move on, even if it's not what you originally wanted. You have to prepare for the possibility that there will be no second chances.

4. Change the way you communicate.

No matter why you cheated, chances are, communication with your partner isn't all it could be. Focus on making it better. Do you share too much? Too little? Are you not asking your partner for what you need? Do you carry resentments to avoid fighting? Good, healthy communication isn't the same thing as oversharing. It's time to focus on learning how to be open with your partner, without burdening them. You can start with your proposal to give things another shot: "I love you more than anything and I want to try this again. I'll give you some time to think about it." Then back off. Things like "I can't live without you" or other veiled threats are classic oversharing. It's never okay to blackmail someone into staying with you.

5. Get help.

Even the strongest couples can't get through something like this alone. A good therapist can help both of you deal with whatever feelings you might be having about your relationship, whether you go together, individually, or do a combination of both. Therapy isn't about paying someone to listen to you talk, or even necessarily about getting advice. It's about building a relationship of trust with someone who is trained to help you work through any issues you might bring into that relationship from outside; as a result, you will learn how to carry that trust into your other relationships. This will help you and your partner move on.