Assertiveness Training for Disabled People

I was sitting at my desk, performing data entry functions for our local Animal shelter. Since I am not employed, I have decided to volunteer my assistance to needy organizations until I leave this state of joblessness. Thus, every Tuesday and Friday, I perform secretarial functions at an animal shelter whose board finds my assistance an asset, yet can not find it in their budget, and are as of yet to offer me money for my services.

A man and woman walked into the office. She, the woman, proceeds to question me about volunteer opportunities at the shelter. This is not for her, she remarks, but for the man that is standing beside her. In fact, when she sees my manager enter the office, she quickly adjusts her tone and questioning to my manager. She promptly wants to make sure that everyone is aware of the nature of their relationship. She is his paid "helper" for two days a week. He is mentally challenged. I imagine how it must be to endure this person's superiority for two days a week. She probably has no clue about disabilities and yet will get money and recognition for her kind service. My stomach still churns.

I attempt to have a conversation with the man. After all, he is the one who wants to volunteer. It is his love for animals that has brought him to the shelter. He yields to her and allows her to give all of the important responses. She gives my manager the information... ... exactly "what" he can do and "when" he is free. I do suggest specifically to him that he could take public transportation, thereby giving him more opportunity as far as time is concerned and more freedom to interact with both us and the animals without an overbearing social service worker scrutinizing his every move. Of course, I leave this latter benefit in my thoughts, as not to cause undue confrontation. He stands quietly. Again, the professional arrogant woman answers for him.

As a disabled person myself, I find the disrespectful authoritative attitudes of the able-bodied public quite demeaning. This has happened to me on several occasions. When going to a restaurant, the waitress will turn to my companion and ask for my order. If only I would eat alone, I would not encounter this humiliating situation. People ask any friend who might be accompanying me: "What does she like," "What's her dog's name," and "Is she looking for something in particular?" Even when my daughter, my oldest child, was quite young, a store clerk would hand the change from bought groceries to my daughter and not to me. Somehow they assumed that my daughter, at nine years old, was more capable of handling money than me.
Ahem, she is twenty years old now and has just begun to possess effective money management skills.

Back to my current situation, I thought that the man would feel a sense of independence and worth at the fact that I was asking him the important questions instead of his "helper." Yet, he demurely abdicated. He did give a brief account of his pet ownership. Thus, I knew that he was verbal. But, in the end, I was talking to his caregiver, case coordinator; or whatever the trendy term is nowadays. Shouldn't I know, I am in social work? Well, whatever the new title, the patronizing tone has remained. Obviously, changing the title was more important than changing the attitude. This is not the first time that this has happened.

I question the care that children, the elderly and the disabled are receiving. Each individual is ... ... well, an individual. I am not suggesting that no one needs care. However: must we pay for this care with our dignity? This woman is treating him as if he does not know his own capabilities nor is own time schedule. She is also suggesting that the man will need an "interpreter," if you will, to understand basic social situations and for others to understand him. I am aware in fact, he may not even realize the fullness of his capabilities; nor may he be aware of the appointments that his various caregivers have scheduled for him. more importantly, though, he is not being taught to broker the situation himself. This type of help will insure that the service worker stays employed, but it does not assist the individual in understanding his/her true potential.

I realize that for the disabled person, this is quite frightening. Usually, they have already been ridiculed by society and sometimes prefer to allow their caregivers or helpers to broker these situations with the outside community. Also, I realize that many times when you tell someone who is able-bodied what you can do, they want confirmation from another able-bodied person; preferably with an organizational backing. This is frustrating for disabled people. Self advocacy is quite difficult because the person is rarely respected enough to have an able-bodied person's trust in what they are saying. For this reason, I recommend a group of disabled people to advocate on the disabled person's behalf. However, that is for another article.

At an early age, (if they have been disabled that long), disabled people are taught to depend on others. They are taught not to make decisions for themselves. Their parents were usually able-bodied, so may have held certain stereotypes, themselves. These stereotypes can be passed down and cause a lack of self confidence within the disabled person. This happens especially when the disabled person intellectually knows and has had firsthand experience that most of society confirms these stereotypes. Look at any agency that serves the disabled population. Examine the staff. How many disabled people are on their staff. Point proven.

This type of care is so prevalent because it will simultaneously keep the caregivers "needed," while putting money in their pocket. Therefore, it does not only serve a monetary function, but meets an emotional need of recognition, a feeling of benevolence and fulfilling a desire for the worker to be needed.

While my first reaction is to be incensed with the caregiver's apathetic attitude and dominant manner, I must admit that we, the disabled population, share in this responsibility. I agree that we are taught from a young age that able-bodied people are superior in intellect and abilities than their disabled peers; however, there should be a point in time when we must question these beliefs. In actuality, there are some reasons that the disabled person might choose to allow this situation to continue.

The disabled person has an eternal parental figure. They are not responsible for their financial decisions or otherwise. They can be comfortable living in the life of a child for as long as they want. Many of the difficult tasks and the advocating that goes along with living a life of a disabled person are relegated to the caregiver, so that the disabled person is oblivious to such things. This is an easier lifestyle. This kind of behavior is called "learned helplessness." The disabled person has learned to rely on others and does not try to be any more independent than the caregiver allows them to be. They are content to have what the caregiver wants them to have. They have exchanged their freedom for security. I don't think that many disabled people realize this and even when they do, it further depresses them. Empowering one's self is very difficult; especially when parents, agencies and others are stern opponents of the change.

It is challenging to assist a person overcome this behavior. The first step is to "listen." Listen to the client's wants. Respectfully listening is the most important element of working with a disabled person. Ask them how they feel and what they think. Find out their opinions, ideas and their wishes. I must also add that a respectful tone is essential. Many people who work with the disabled either have the tone of a parent as they scold their child, or a sing-song tone which is usually reserved for babies and animals. there have been times when adults have used such tones with me and I have mirrored that tone when responding to them. This usually illustrates my point beautifully and silences those condescending inflections.

I must stop a minute to say a bit about self esteem. This is a popular topic for most psychologists and sociologists. A disabled client -- or any client for that matter -- is not going to obtain more self esteem by your words. I am not suggesting that that your words are ineffective. I am saying that increased self esteem comes with success. When a person is successful in their achievements, their self worth and self esteem increases.

Expand one's self worth. First, one must realize all of their positive characteristics. A person must share their individual dreams and desires. Sometimes, they have to remind themselves daily of their strengths, past achievements and future goals. It is also helpful to identify the people, words and situations that make the disabled person feel worthless. Words can be modified. People can be confronted or avoided; whichever yields the best results. Situations can be manipulated. If a worker is going to assist in such a transformation, they need to be quite strengths based in their approach.

After evaluating a person's strengths and understanding their desires and goals, it is time to modify behaviors. Know that since the worker and the disabled person are involved in this exchange; both behaviors will need some modification. As someone who works with the disabled, you will need to understand that it is not only "their" behavior that will need to be transformed. You are, in effect, part of the reason that these situations have occurred.

When assertiveness training is taught well, it can assist a person in declaring their needs and wants without being aggressive or impolite. In this stage, it would be helpful to remind the disabled person of their choices, so that they realize and remember that they actually have them. It will help them think through the consequences of what might happen when/if they say "no." Saying "no" can be difficult for able-bodied and disabled people, alike. Sometimes they are afraid of angering or disappointing someone. This could have dire consequences, if it is your boss. Yet, being honest about your comfort level is essential.

As someone who is helping a disabled person be more assertive, it is important to let them know that you are not expecting a certain type of response. Let them know that you will not be angry or disappointed with them if they choose to say or do something other than your recommendation or expectation. This is not about your hurt feelings. It is about helping the disabled person speak for themselves and get their needs met without your interference.

Asking for and receiving help is one of the most debated topics in the disabled community. I have known some people to accept help when they did not need it because they were afraid of offending the person. I have known helpers who don't listen to exactly "how" the person needs help. There are also people who are too proud to ask for help because they fear the appearance of dependence. Needing help does not mean losing dignity. Giving help does not mean gaining authority. The fact that you are able to give help to another person should not place you in a superior/inferior relationship with them. Help should be administered with a servile, not superior attitude.

Remember that there are many different types of intellect. Although a person may not be able to calculate sums in their head or spell words with ease, they still can be quite aware of their own abilities and needs. It is important for the disabled person to broker the helping relationship. They should learn to "ask" for "What they need." They should also be able to politely refuse the help that they do not want or need. This varies between individuals and situations; however, practice usually yields good results.

If you are working with a disabled person, these changes from passiveness to assertiveness might, at first, be unnerving for you and sometimes even for the disabled person. One vivid example of staff's discomfort is when a disabled person would like to engage in a relationship with another person. In this situation, it is important that the disabled person is seen as an adult and not a grown child: regardless of their abilities and limitations. Instead of opposing their desires, you could guide them into a fulfilling relationship. Sharing your relationship stories and discussing some common mistakes that people make while in relationships could prove to be quite helpful in the short term, as well as the long run. You will have to practice a process of permitting them to handle situations that you might feel are challenging for them. Sometimes, they might not live up to your expectations or theirs. However, continue to encourage the person to independently interact in society.

It is important to note that some workers, while attempting to teach independent living skills, have put their disabled students into situations that they had no interest in. If the disabled person has no interest in music, don't insist that they go alone into a music store and purchase a CD. Find out their individual interests and allow them to independently navigate social situations in respect to their interests. I must say here that when the public makes attempts to engage you in conversation about the disabled person's desires, it is more than appropriate for you to yield to the disabled person. This one act gives the disabled person reassurance that they can actually successfully interact with the public.

One of the most difficult tasks as a person working with disabled people is assisting them in self advocacy. The disabled person should ascertain specific situations when it is advisable to seek an advocate and when it is more advantageous to speak for one's self. Topics such as "when to compromise" should also be discussed. Realize that they, very well, may be advocating against your decisions. This is quite likely if you utilize an authoritarian or manipulative approach when talking and working with them.

Help disabled people connect with other disabled people. It is important for disabled people to involve themselves in organizations and communities with a large amount of disabled people. The organizations might assist the disabled person in advocacy. A disabled mentor is quite effective in enhancing internal growth. If you can't find an organization in your area, seek out other disabled people and ask if they wouldn't mind being a mentor. Of course, the commonality of a "disability" is not enough to make two people bosom buddies. However, it might spark a mentoring relationship, or at the least, give the disabled person that you are helping an example to follow.

Certainly, there will be times when disabled people need assistance. And, some disabled people need the kind of assistance that is related to supervision and might need it more frequently than others. However, this need does not mean that we surrender our freedom as human beings. Our worth as a person should not be centered around our capabilities. Your patronizing care, although it may be given with the best of intensions, renders us unable to realize our true potential and always dependent on others for things that we could do ourselves. I am the first one to champion that we all are interdependent on others. This is true; however, as a disabled person, when I sacrifice my voice, I am becoming a stereotype instead of a person and giving someone else the freedom to live my own life.