Assignment: Relax and Have a Few Beers Before My Afternoon Nap

I rarely receive specific assignments from the Associated Content Assignment Desk and I've always figured it's because I rank just above FOX "news" CHANNEL in providing accurate information. Yep, just like my good buddies over at that 24-hour "news" provider, I am in the business of making up shit. (Yes! My streak of "FOX 'news' CHANNEL is full of crap" references remains intact!)

So imagine my surprise when a few days ago I received an email from the Assignment Desk telling me that I had been targeted by Yahoo! News to write an article on the recent decision by Illinois Governor Pat Quinn to abolish the death penalty in the Land of Lincoln.

The assignment, had I accepted it, was to write an opinion piece on why I, as an Illinois resident, favor or oppose the governor's decision. Initially, I thought I could probably come up with something on the subject-I certainly have opinions-but then I read on and came to the conclusion that maybe this assignment just wasn't quite right for me.

Here, lifted from the actual e-mail, are some of the guidelines that made me realize the good people who send out these targeted assignments have no idea who the hell I am and what kind of crap spills out of my head:

We are seeking well thought-out and reasoned commentary, with facts that support your belief.

Just one major problem here: Anyone who has ever read any of my stuff knows that my commentary is never well thought-out and reasoned-I take pride in that. Well thought-out and reasoned writing requires facts, and here's a fact for you: I don't use them. The problem with facts is that, by definition, they are true and there is nothing interesting about the truth. That's why I make them up.

Here's an example of what I mean.

True fact: Christine O'Donnell is nuts.

Made-up fact: Christine O'Donnell is intimately familiar with my nuts.

See the difference? The made-up fact is far more interesting-especially to me.

Be sure to provide adequate sourcing of today's announcement and any other relative news stories that you cite.

Here's another reason I don't use facts. If I use facts I have to provide adequate sourcing, which means I have to go to other sources and actually read them. I don't have time to read other people's crap-it cuts into my heavy-drinking time. I figured out a long time ago that it's a whole lot easier if I just pull my facts right out of my ass.

Here's an example of the kind of "adequate sourcing" necessary for every article I've ever written:

Source: Frank's ass. (Ass, Frank's, 1953).

Let's just let this stand as a permanent citation going forward for everything I write.

Name calling or putting down the other side's argument will lead to a rejection of your article.

This one really pisses me off. Who's the dipshit who thought of this one? Hey jag-off! What the hell good is an argument if you can't call the other jag-off a jag-off? What's the point of arguing if you can't point out what a brainless moron the other guy is? If the guy's an ass-wipe, he's an ass-wipe, you friggin' ass-wipe!

Voice: Informational, yet engaging and approachable.

OK, this is one requirement I could actually fulfill. For most writers, this would be a problem, but whenever I write, the voice I hear in my head is that of Charles Manson-a man who indeed seems to be full of information, yet is engaging and approachable.

Please edit your profile (if you haven't done so already) to ensure your professional, academic, and personal experiences are outlined in your bio.

As you can see, they want me to assure the public that I have credibility as a writer by providing my academic background and listing my professional and personal experiences-one of those nauseating "You can trust me!" bio blurbs. In other words, they want me to be somebody else.

For the record, I support the governor's decision to abolish the death penalty.

See how easy that was? No facts, no sources, no well thought-out and reasoned commentary. And still plenty of time to go relax and have a few beers before my afternoon nap.

Now that's my kind of assignment!

Source: Frank's ass. (Ass, Frank's, 1953).