Associated Content: A Wild Ride to Success

So I've been on AC for maybe a month-probably less. But in that time, I've noticed a few key things that come of people with high page views and frequent front-page showcases. It doesn't take a genius to see that there might be a formula to getting yourself better recognition-which is why I've volunteered to show you all about it, because I'm no rocket scientist. Look at me, I have a dog with a hat for my avatar; you think that'll persuade MENSA to scoop me up to their boring tea parties? No, probably not-but that's not the point. The point is that I have some exciting and cliché information for you, regarding the key to true happiness-an update on your little planet thingie! Because everyone knows the more rings and different colors your clout planet has, the better a person you are.

Case in point: people without two rings on their planet are mere scum compared to those that have moons and satellites and whatever AC chooses to edit with an MS Paint client.

Okay, I'm getting bored of hearing my own ramblings, so here goes nothing-and I'm dead serious when I say nothing.

1) A Strong, Muscular Title

Nothing is more important than the title. Your article could be the worst damn thing ever written-but if the name of it is "Paris Hilton Fights Jesus Christ and Wins," you're going to get a lot of page views. Bonus: Anything involving Paris Hilton will get you one thousand page views.

Don't get cute with titles like "Confessions of a Teenage Pagan," or "Why I Hate Math." Instead, we can easily remedy your boring if not predictable headline like so-"My Admission of Worshipping The Tree God of Bloodfeast" sounds much better, and so does "Why I Wish Trigonometry Was Beaten With A Heavy Stick."

If you're writing a more informative article like "How To Trim Your Beard," then you might want to go with something adventurous, like "How My Well-Trimmed Beard Fought The Nazis." Yeah, that's the ticket! The hits are going to roll up with that piece o' Picasso! Just keep in mind that people nowadays are incredibly stupid and are quite easy to fool. All you need to really do is craft a title extravagant enough to bait someone into clicking it. Presto! Instant page view. And that's all you really care about, right? In fact, if you're the brilliant schemer I think you are, you can just stop here. The rest of you idiots can keep on reading.

2) An Original Article That Commands Respect

While I'm sure that the beloved articles about pro wrestling and Napoleon Dynamite T-shirts did well in the 19^th century, it doesn't hurt to up the ante with a hard-hitting story about how your grandpa fought flaming ninjas at the local Waldbaum's. It also doesn't hurt to mention that you were on hallucinogenic drugs whilst this glorious battle of might and magic occurred. People love it when you write about crazy shit, because it reminds them how sane they are compared to psychos like you.

3) Flex Your Humor Like Silly Putty

I really like Silly Putty. When I was a kid, I used to buy those things in bulk. Hell, whenever I went to the supermarket with my mother, the manager started to restock those quarter machines because he knew I was gonna wipe him out. After I got those little eggs of elastic joy, I was virtually invulnerable to the rigors of everyday life. Nothing could get me down-whether it was Ronald Reagan rolling down the street in his Trickle-Down Tank of money-sucking capitalism, or Satan himself rising from the putrid hell of the unloved.

...Oh, er...what was I talking about? Oh yeah, try to be moderately funny. It helps, trust me.

4) Listen To Intelligent Words Fly From My Mouth

No one likes to read a bunch of words aborted from the long-dead mind of Faulkner. You need to have a good mind about you when you're explaining why Seung-Hui Cho could totally own Dylan Klebold in a game of Super Smash Brothers. You need to have your information in an order that offers everybody the benefit of the doubt that you've actually attended a high school without the name "Clown" attached tom it. No offense to the mimes out there, though. My brother's a mime, albeit not a very good one-his act consists of cursing at drivers on the freeway with hand signals.

5) No Paragraphs? No Problem!

Hey, you don't even need to write in coherent sentences! Yeah, just feel free to smash the grounds of progress and resort to making lists of nothing in particular! The crowds will just eat it up, calling everything from "clever" to "cute." It doesn't even matter what the list is about; it could be the top ten reasons why your mom is so fat and it'll make the one-thousand mark. Or, if you prefer, just put dashes in front of everything. Technically it's still a laundry list, but people are none the wiser these days, so go ahead with the trickery at your whim.

Lists are more digestible. Essays are for eggheads. You hear that, Steinbeck? Take your grapes of wrath and squash 'em into something feasibly edible, or get stuffed.

6) Be Obscure; It Makes You Look Smart

Want to appear hip, suave, and generally in the know? Throw a few abstract references to cult objects and figures every so often. Not only does it make you appear more intelligent, but it also spawns dissent amongst detractors. Because if they don't know what the hell you're talking about, they won't be able to fire on all four cylinders!

Hey, remember David Liebe Hart? How about the time that Kaye Lazar danced on pubic access? Or perhaps we can spend some time reviewing Zack Parsons' latest wartime drama? See, you don't even know who these people are. If you can make your competition sweat with some impossibly elite factoids before you enter the ring, you've already won.

7) Downvoting Makes You Look Cool

Remember, you are at war. This is not a game-money is at stake! I know that the vote bucket isn't as important as page views, but it doesn't hurt to put a dent in your competition with some friendly clicks on the "1" value. Make sure those jokers never rise above the so-called bucket with a denomination higher than two.

8) Become A Savior

If anything, tips how to boost your page count are scarfed down faster than a bucket of grease at Louie Anderson's barbeque. For some reason, many people lack the cognitive logic to shape a reason why they cannot attract views to their material. Articles that claim to offer the holy grail to such things are treated like heroin-which I really can't understand, because cocaine is so much better.

Well, that's about all you can do to reverse your bad fortune--anything else involves superfluous deities and psionic crystals. And I don't recommend the latter, since the crystal vibrations tend to cause hepatitis.

Good luck, space cowboys!