At Least Your Mothers Loved You

I must confess. I get bored and start looking through the Match making app on Myyearbook.

I'm NOT really looking for a mate, mind you. This is more like reading the telephone book just to see what kind of last names are out there. I already have a mate and he is the biggest pain in the ass there is. When he kicks the bucket it will be a long time before I get married again, not because he is the greatest, but because I AM TIRED!!!!

And God help me but I've become convinced that all the truly good looking guys are in Australia!!!

I say this because I began with a 15 mile radius search within my home. No luck there. They sit there and look bored. Or show off an 86 lb trout caught in the lake. Or think women will be impressed by flashing obscene hand gestures at the camera. Too fat, too thin, too old, too young... or holding a cell phone up to a mirror as if to say OK so now what do I do with this.

I skip the ones that are holding babies or have a woman in the picture. For obvious reasons.

Then I run out and the radius widens to 30 miles. From there on it gets worse. What in hell makes you think I want to even remotely be associated with you if you have a marijuana tattoo on your bicep? Holy Christ. One guy sported a double blue Mohawk. One was wearing a friggin ANGEL costume!

I skip the Peter Griffins and the Homer Simpsons.

Half the time they don't even bother with putting up a good picture so why should I, or any female, bother with them? It's blurry. It shows an arm. Or it doesn't show them at all. It shows a child, or a dog, or a cat, or a motorcycle, or Popeye the Sailor man, or anything. Worse yet, sometimes its someone I know who is a complete asshole! (I skip these ones too.)

People, people, PEOPLE....!!! It is not necessary to dress up in a suit and a tie, as these too are summarily dismissed by me for being "too stuffy". But if you took more pains and effort to take a halfway decent picture, maybe someone might notice! Then again, it might not make a difference to three quarters of you.

What do I mean by this? Well for starters, a good place might be a photo studio. These guys and gals know how to bring out your most flattering features in a photo. And your Superman collection or your motorcycle isn't cluttering up the background. Get a decent haircut within two weeks of getting your picture taken. Look like you give a crap about what you look like at least.

And I can't speak for any of my other sisters in suffering but... keep those clothes ON until we are ready to go to home base. What are you, trying to be a temptress? Leave it alone; that's OUR job!!!!

If you don't have the money to get it professionally done trust me, we do understand. Perhaps an alternative might be a bedsheet as a background and a little experimentation with lighting while your friend holds the digital camera. That works too.

I know that as males you just want to get a woman so you can fall in love and get laid. Hey that's fine with us. Hopefully you'll take some of the advice I have given you here, and run with it.

But I still ain't marrying any of you.