Attachment Parenting: A Free Pass for Codependent Parents?

Whether you're a follower of a particular parenting philosophy or not, you may have heard about attachment parenting. It is one of many methods that parenting experts are raving about. However, some opponents feel that this is a useless method that turns out spoiled brats and co-dependent parents. And there are those who think the organic, hippie, green earth mamas and papas are just a little kooky. But what is the truth? Are all attachment parents the same? Is this style helpful and truly realistic in today's world? Read on and judge for yourself.

What is attachment parenting?

A phrase coined over 25 years ago, by pediatrician Dr. William Sears, the attachment parenting (AP) style is actually quite old. These practices of child-rearing were in use long before child-care experts began to decide the best ways of taking care of children. Practices common to this philosophy include breastfeeding (encouraged until at least 1 year-old), co-sleeping (whether in bed with parents or in a sidecar attached to the bed), being attentive to baby's needs and cries, and babywearing (using an infant carrier or sling). While an infant's connection to the mother is more noticeable, the father's presence is a vital and important part to the bonding of a family.

Attachment parents do not encourage the use of cry-it-out (CIO) techniques to transition an infant from sleeping with parents to sleeping alone. In truth, an infant will feel more secure being close to their mothers (especially if breastfeeding) and fathers during their early months, and in general, children tend to "wean" themselves from the family bed when they feel ready.

The 7 Baby B's

Dr. Sears, who is viewed as an expert in the practice of AP, has said, "Attachment parenting is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents." He says there are 7 Baby B's that parents can try to get the most out of AP for their child and the whole family:

1. Birth Bonding

This is the time shortly after the birth and leading into the first few weeks and months of an infant's life. This time period is wonderful and helps the early attachment begin. In cases of medical complications, the bonding will begin later, and will not adversely affect you or your relationship with your baby.

2. Breastfeeding

Everyone knows the benefits of breastfeeding your baby. Aside from nutritional value, breastfeeding helps you to learn your baby's cues, and promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

3. Babywearing

Keeping your baby close to you helps keep your little one calmer, fosters a closer relationship between you and baby, and helps baby to learn, as they are on a higher level to take in their surroundings. Babywearing is not just for moms either, and dads are just as likely to build a great bond with your little ones too.

4. Bedding Close to Baby

According to Dr. Sears, "Co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in."

5. Belief in the Language Value of Your Baby's Cry

This one can be a cause for serious debate with many parents. A baby's cry is a signal that they need, and as a caregiver, your response is very important. As your baby ages, you will know when and how to respond to these cries, as a 9 week-old will need you a bit sooner than say, a 9 month-old who is crying of boredom. Dr. Sears says, "Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby's needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate."

6. Beware of Baby Trainers

While routine is essential in keeping your sanity and a happy baby, some parenting advice can be detrimental to your baby. Extreme parenting styles that tell you to watch a clock or schedule everything rather than listening to your baby's cues, can keep you from bonding closer to your child and make you feel uncertain of your instincts.

7. Balance

Overkill is never good, and this includes families. If you aren't devoting time to your needs, your spouse or other children, no one wins. Finding a balance that works for you and your family is key. Never take on more than you can do, and ask for help when you need it.

When does parenting go too far?

I recently read an article from an opponent of attachment parenting. Her reasoning for dislike of the style was due to an acquaintance who frankly, lost her mind. Her young son over the age of 7 was having problems adjusting to public school (he was previously home schooled). After a discussion with her friend, she found out she was still co-sleeping with her son, and yes breastfeeding. Instead of realizing that she was not doing the right thing, this mother turned her son's need for a mom into her need to smother her son.

Whenever we hear about parents who take anything to the extreme, we tend to forever associate that behavior with that negative incident.

AP moms tend to not leave their babes until later in their lives (around age 2 or so, but this varies among families), but this is due to a bonding process that is very normal and natural. Relatives should not take it personally when their requests for babysitting are denied. You will just have to make due with visits for now, but your time will come, grandparents! However, any time a mom or dad begins to obsess over their parenting style or becomes overly suffocating, this is obviously not healthy, and intervention may be the best course of action. Advice of your pediatrician is always a great place to start.

Is attachment parenting an all-or-nothing style?

Absolutely not. While there are always mean mamas and rude cliques in all circles, the truth is these AP suggestions are really tools, not steps. It is up to you to find what works best for your family, and it may not be every single suggestion you've read about. In many families, co-sleeping may not work best, and if mom works, breastfeeding may be out of the question. It doesn't matter if the only thing you want to do is babywear, just finding the right balance for your family is the key.

Where can I find out more?

While Dr. William Sears is considered the foremost authority on attachment parenting, he also relies on the advice of his wife Martha (a certified lactation consultant) and his two sons, Robert and James, also pediatricians. The Sears' have written more than 30 pediatric books, and their website, askdrsears.com, has a wealth of information on various subjects.

For information on research and data on AP and it's benefits, check out Attachment Parenting International, a non-profit organization that promotes the education and advocacy of healthy child-rearing practices. The Internet also has a wealth of forums and message boards for parents who advocate AP for their own children.

With such an immense amount of books, authors, and experts available, it can be very difficult to know what is right for your family. Attachment parenting is just one way to nurture your child, but again, it is only a tool, and there are many others. For those who are interested, you may find you like the way your relationship with your child will change when using AP practices. And Dr. Sears' take on AP? "Attachment parenting implies first opening your mind and heart to the individual needs of your baby, and eventually you will develop the wisdom on how to make on-the-spot decisions on what works best for both you and your baby. Do the best you can with the resources you have - that's all your child will ever expect of you."