Attachment Styles: From Infancy to Adulthood

Infants depend on adults to care for them, provide them with attention and love, and to teach them. In fact, they are entirely depend on adults to provide any need that they have. Whether these needs were met or how they were met shapes a person's attachment style. That style might be secure attachment, avoidant attachment, or anxious attachment. Secure attachment is developed when infants have warm and responsive parents. Avoidant attachment is when infants have parents that are cold and rejecting. Anxious attachment is developed when the infants are exposed to inconsistent parenting. These attachments carry on to adulthood.

Attachments are formed with closeness, care and commitment. Closeness in infants is a need to be secure, and in adults it is a mix of needing to feel secure and for sexual reasons. People like to feel close to others because of the safe feeling they receive. This develops an emotional bond between people. Care is comfort and emotional support which grows over time. When people care about each other, they are more likely to support them. This builds confidence in any relationship. Commitment holds relationships together and provides support and a secure safe-haven in a relationship. Even when things aren't going as planned, committed relationships last longer because the people in the relationship know that they can depend on each other no matter what.

As adults, when they have developed a secure attachment style, they are more likely to have deep, meaningful relationships. They feel safe in their relationships. They are committed to the relationship and strive to make it work and work in a better way. They are less likely to have brief sexual encounters and are more confident in themselves. They will not just "settle" in a relationship. They want a relationship that gives as much as it takes. A person with a secure attachment style is more likely to work through the relationship's problems and may even have less relationship problems than people with other attachment styles.

Adults that have avoidant attachment are more likely to be less communicative in a relationship. They do not want to get close to people. They may have many empty relationships that do not last. They may have more sexual encounters. These adults may be cold and rejecting toward their partner, just as their parents were toward them. These adults may have empty feelings for other people or no feelings at all. They may use people for their own gain and feelings. They do not think about the other person in the relationship as much as they think about themselves. They take more than they give. These adults may seem like they do not sincerely care about the other person and are not affectionate. This would obviously be a challenge when trying to bond in a relationship.

Adults that have an anxious attachment may be suspicious of their partner of wrongdoings. They may swing back and forth from a secure relationship to unsecure. They may second guess themselves and their partners often. They fear being left alone and may start unnecessary arguments. They may not feel consistent feelings for their partner from one day to the next. They suffer the most confusion from their relationship, and the relationship suffers from doubt and anxiety. These adults are not confident in their relationship or themselves. They may even cling to a relationship that has nothing to offer in fear of being alone. Adults with an anxious attachment style have a hard time accepting a great relationship because they are always looking for the negative in things, or "waiting for the axe to fall".

These attachment styles are not permanent, and can change over time. Some couples seek counseling that helps them both to grow as individuals and as couples. They may realize when they are feeling anxious or cold and take steps to change this. People in secure relationships may strengthen the bond that they already have. People can learn from their mistakes, recognize the triggers, and strive to change their ways of thinking. Adapting to a new way of thinking and feeling can change anyone's attachment styles. Also, people that have secure attachment tendencies can suddenly have anxious or avoidant attachment styles if they experience a bad relationship. Changing attachment styles can be for the positive or the negative.