Aunt Lottie, Fred and the Funky Chicken

I hadn't heard much from Aunt Lottie after she got back from New Orleans, so I decided to give her a call. Before the phone rang, Aunt Lottie apparently picked up and started dialing in my ear. "Aunt Lottie, can you hear me? Hello?"

"Who's this on my phone?"

"It's me, Pattie, Aunt Lottie. I was calling to talk to you for a few minutes."

"Well, bless Pat, I didn't even hear this ole thing ring. How you been, gal?"

"I'm fine, but I was wondering about you since you haven't been by the house lately. People been wondering how you're doing. I haven't written about you in such a long time. I stopped doing the advice column because I couldn't catch up with you."

"Sorry about that, gal, but I've just been having a terrible time with Fred."

"What's wrong with Fred?"

"Oh, we went down the VFW to the dance the other night, and the dern fool tripped over his own feet trying to polka. I told him he didn't know how to polka, but he wouldn't listen. Sprawled out right there on the dance floor. It's a wonder he didn't break a hip or something."

"Is he all right?"

"Oh, yeah, he's just stove up a bit. He tripped this fat woman dancing next to us, and she pretty much cushioned his fall. Then the old fool grabbed this young gal as he was falling, and she landed on top of him. I'm not so sure that was accidental, though, because he'd been eyeballing her all night. If he hadn't fell down, I probably would've pushed him down myself sooner or later. Oh, he's fine, but he's been laying over here on my couch for the last few days whining and carrying on like he's at death's door."

"Was the other woman okay?"

"Oh, yeah, that woman carried around her own padding. It was pretty much like watching somebody jumping on one of those trampolines the way he sort of bounced when they hit the floor."

"Gosh, Aunt Lottie, I imagine Fred did take a bit of a spill. He was probably a little embarrassed, too, don't you think? I mean, after all, you seeing him fall and all."

"Well, I should say he was, but not from falling. Crazy old coot was out there before that trying to do the Funky Chicken. Now, that was embarrassing."

Laughing, I said, "Oh, Aunt Lottie, I would love to have seen that."

"Well, just you wait, honey, you will because I got pictures. I'll bring 'em by so you can see them as soon as I can. Right now I have to stay here with Fred." She let out a big laugh. "You're gonna' love 'em."

"Well, let me know if I can help, Aunt Lottie. Maybe, Fred will be better soon."

"Oh, he's all right. He's just milking a little attention from all those old ladies down at the senior center. They been bringing all kinds of goodies over her."

"I'm kind of surprised that doesn't bother you, all those women fawning over Fred."

"Don't bother me none. As long as they keep bringing in food, they can come over. Fred knows when he's got a good thing. But he ain't gonna' stay on that couch much longer, because Lottie's getting ready to party soon. You know me, gal, I can't be sitting around too long. In fact, there's another dance this weekend, and I spec when I tell Fred he'll be ready to put on them dancing shoes again."

"Well, maybe he needs to stay seated during the polka this time."

She laughed again, "Oh, I don't think that'll happen again. I wasn't the only one that got some pictures."

"Okay, Aunt Lottie, take care of Fred, and I'll check on you later."

"Talk to you later, Pat girl." As she hung up the phone, I could hear her shouting at Fred, "See, I told you that strawberry cake wouldn't do you no good."

Poor Fred, I thought, the Polka might not do him in, but he might not be as lucky with Aunt Lottie.