Aussie Woman Injured During Sex Accident

An Australian woman was seriously wounded Thursday after a mishap with a sex toy sent her flying out of the window of her second-story flat and into the path of several oncoming vehicles.

Kylie Sanderson, 32, was getting dirty down under with a new eight-speed sex toy known as the 'Roo, an Aussie variant of the Rabbit, when the situation got out of hand, so to speak. Associated Content gets right to the duck's guts of the investigation.

"G'day, mate. Got a little wild with your Roo, didja?"

"Too right, I did. But I'm feeling much better after the double doses of Morphine. My kebob's healing up too. Soon I'll be able to have a budgie's tongue again," said Kylie, happy as a pig in mud.

"Was it your 'Roo that done the damage?"

"My 'Roo, yes. He's so soft and he's got the longest ears that just buzz until I'm right chuffed. I love him so."

"Beg pardon, Miss? You're in love with a furry mammal who foolishly hops about and can't speak any English?"

"Cods wallop! Leave my boyfriend out of this. I'm referring to my rubber 'Roo, who touches me in places David could never reach."

"Your boyfriend, David?"

"Yes'm. I'd just had a fight with the figjam, see. I told him to try some of those stretching exercises that expand his length and girth because I don't have time to mollycoddle him every time he cracks a fat. Well he was mad as a cut snake when I told him, and called me a root rat with a ragman's coat, among some other things that aren't fit for your prestigious publication to print.

"He wouldn't know caca from sawdust and that's fair dinkum, it is! Cheesed off, I stomped off to the local pub, where I got plonked on a few too many Britneys. When I wandered home, I promptly slid out of my daks and set out about relaxing myself.

"I was sitting in the chair by the window, the 'Roo hopping away between me legs as I watched some skin flick on the box. I'd forgotten all about that ratbag boyfriend of mine. I was just mucking around, when all of a sudden I heard police sirens down the street. I stood up, and leaned out the window to see what all the ruckus was. And when I did, I had one hum dinger of an O that sent the 'Roo shooting out of me and ricocheting off the floor. I guess I was a little more plonked than I realized because when I leaned out the window, I fell out, bum over teat. The next thing I remember is the oncoming headlights."

When Ms. Sanderson awoke, the first face she saw was that of Steven Hockney, the driver of the vehicle that almost claimed her life. Mr. Hockney picks up the story. "I was transporting a dozen 'roos to be released in the bush when suddenly I saw a half naked woman laying face down in the street. That wasn't quite the bush I had in mind. 'I'll be stuffed!' I exclaimed, slamming on the brakes. My bull bar came within inches of her. Good thing she's in Lucky Country."

When emergency workers arrived, they found Ms. Sanderson with a rip snorter of a grin on her bruised and bleeding face, and Mr. Hockney scrambling about for a camera. The only fatality of the accident was one of the animals who fell out of Mr. Hockney's vehicle at the scene and was run over by oncoming traffic. Ms. Sanderson was initially distraught at the news of a mangled kangaroo, until she realized it was a real kangaroo and not her precious sex toy.

As for her 'Roo, she says, "He's got some bruises, but he can still hop with the best of them."

As for David, well he's still a whacker with a small donger. Kylie dumped him for a doctor while her 'Roo recovers from the accident.

Onya, mate!