Authentic "Australians Only" Christmas Dinner Recipes

As most people who have graduated from high school know, Australia is the home of some of the world's most unusual animals. However, unknown to most people (including high school graduates) is that many of these animals are quite delicious! Here are some recipes that will make Christmas dinner an event to be remembered by all who partake in it.

Do Not attempt to make any of these recipes even if you are a professional chef, trained and certificated by the Epicurean division of PETA. The author presents these delightful recipes only as an educational exercise. They are not to be used for cooking or the collection of the ingredients: no matter how stupid you might be.

Without a doubt, one of my favorites is "Hopping Good 'Roo Burgers". These are your standard kangaroo bits but with the powerful leg tendons left intact. So, making these savory treats takes a bit of knowledge and careful attention to detail (do not use automobile-tenderized 'Roo). Here is how to make them:

Ingredients

1.5kg. of very fresh kangaroo thigh meat slices (you will have to tell your butcher to be sure and leave the powerful "hamstring" tendons in place, slicing the chops perpendicular to their orientation).

1 Tablespoon of meat tenderizer

150 grams of Great Barrier Reef Coral chips

1 Teaspoon of Sea salt

30 grams of MSG

50 ml dark corn sweetener

1 Emu egg

1 Package of sandwich buns

Directions

Fire up the barbie (for the non-Aussies out there the "barbie" is the equivalent of an American barbecue or grill) being certain to add ½ kg rare Amazon forest hardwood blocks to the genuine peat charcoal briquettes. Let the petrol and newspapers burn off before you add the hardwood blocks.

In the meantime, put the meat slices in a large mixing bowl (not metal to avoid exhausting the limited, postmortem nerve impulses). Break the Emu egg, allowing its contents to run all over the meat. Work the egg into the meat. Then, mix the corn sweetener and dry ingredients together in another mixing bowl, carefully crushing the Great Barrier Reef coral into sand grain sized pieces (be careful when purchasing this coral. You must buy the brightly colored pieces avoiding the warm bleached white ones if at all possible).

Drag each 'Roo slice through the dry mixture until well-coated and then place it on a dish lined with waxed paper. When you have completed this step, carry your battered burgers to the barbie.

Carefully place the 'Roo burgers on the grill, letting them brown slowly. Call the children over to watch. DO NOT turn with a spatula. When they are cooked enough, each tendon piece will contract and cause and the burger to "Hop" and flip itself over on the grill. Let them cook on this side until the meat has completely stopped moving.

Take them hot off of the grill and enjoy them with the whole family! (terminal hiccups from eating these 'Roo burgers is just a silly myth)

Easy Tasmanian Devil's Food Meat Pies are the Chaucer family's Christmas favorite. Once you taste them, they will be yours as well.

Ingredients

1 kg of Tasmanian Devil breast meat. Have your butcher grind it to the texture of hamburger. This meat is getting increasingly more difficult to find due to the tasty creature's rapid extinction (caused by a fatal infectious facial disease).

250 ml of pureed Box Jellyfish broth

1 teaspoon seasoned salt

1 Tablespoon dried chili powder

½ teaspoon of Louisiana Hot Sauce

½ teaspoon cumin

1 teaspoon allspice

2 eggs

500 g grated Limburger cheese

250 g chopped celery

1 package of frozen puff pastry (e.g. Pampas), following package directions for obtaining miniature foil pie pans and lining them with the pastry dough. Put the prepared pie pans aside.

Directions

In a large mixing bowl, put all ingredients in at the same time. Knead the resulting mix with your hands, fold repeatedly and then let squeeze through clenched fingers. You must hold the meat with a firm grip due to its tendency to spin uncontrollably until it grows tired. When everything calms down and is well mixed, fill the pie tins using a large spoon.

Once the tins are filled, cover with the remaining puff pastry. Place in pre-heated oven at 350 degrees for 1 ½ hours (watch carefully to prevent singeing the crust, cover partially with tin foil if you notice the crusts cooking too quickly). Let cool for 10 minutes and then serve. Enjoy!

(waste not, want not: use the preserved claws for a hair pick or for making julienne fries)

Funnel Web Cakes are an old Aussie prison sweet treat from the mid 1700's. But, they are delicious in any century. Let's get to work making the confection that will surely have the kids begging for more!

Ingredients

1/3 kg of thoroughly chilled Funnel web spiders (cool on ice in a small bowl until they are no longer moving)

200 grams of white sugar

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract (real not synthetic)

1 teaspoon of baking powder

1 package "Shake and Bake" pancake batter. Prepare according to the package directions and place in a medium mixing bowl.

Directions

Fill a large fryer with a 50/50 mix of lard and palm oil

When the lard/oil mix begins to smoke, turn the heat down slightly and quickly prepare the final mix.

Place all ingredients into the medium mixing bowl (except the chilled spiders) with the batter mix. Mix thoroughly until all lumps are gone and the batter is completely smooth.

Very Carefully drain the Funnel Web spiders of all melt water and ice pieces. Be especially cautious to not let the spiders warm up and regain their ability to move. Therefore, as soon as they are drained, put them quickly into the bowl with the batter mix. Do not stir and keep your hands and fingers clear of the bowl edge.

As soon as you see the spiders begin moving in the batter, use a very long wooden spoon to ladle up the mixture and drizzle it onto the surface of the hot oil (to prevent envenomation, check the spoon carefully for wayward spiders after each spoonful of the mix. These creatures are notorious for their foul tempers when people try to cook them). There will be quite a bit of hissing, popping and snapping until the spiders are fully fried. You will know they are done when their legs are drawn up to their bodies and they are lying on their backs.

Use cooking tongs to remove the finished cakes from the fryer and place them on a paper towel. When all of the mix is cooked (do not leave any uncooked!) and drained on the paper towel, place on serving plate and dust with powdered sugar.

Enjoy these delightful cakes with family and friends. While eating, note the satisfying crunch of the raisin-like spiders and the sweet taste of the crispy batter. Mmm mmm good!

Disclaimer: These recipes or not for human preparation or consumption. Again, do not attempt to procure the ingredients for any of these recipes. Do not attempt to make any of these recipes, no matter how stupid you are.