Autism Awareness: When Denial Gets in the Way

What happens when we or another family member denies there is anything *wrong* with their child? None of us want something to be the matter with our child. But denial can stand in the way of treatment. So what do we do?

Let's say, for example, that you know your child is autistic, or mentally retarded, or any other *unseen* disability. The child is diagnosed by a doctor. Yet your spouse, or close family member, refuses to believe or admit that their child could be anything less than perfect. They cannot *see* anything wrong with the child, although they know the child acts differently. Having someone living in denial is hard on you, but harder for the child.

One thing that all parents should know is that there are no perfect children. None of us are born without some type of flaw. Human nature dictates that. For those of us that have children with autism, we know it's hard. It's hard to admit at times that our child does not act like other children, or talk like other children. But for some parents, it's impossible to admit. So they go into denial.

So what can you do to bring the person in denial around? How can you help them understand? There is no set answer, but there are ways to help.

One idea is to find some basic reading material about the disability, gives the diagnosis and the symptoms of that disability. For the parent in denial about autism, for example, showing that parent the symptoms of a child with autism might help a lot. Tried that and it didn't work?

Try finding an Autism Society Chapter in your area. Having had a new one recently begun in our area, I can attest to the fact that the support meeting are wonderful! Take your spouse or other person in denial. Being around other parents of autistic children can help the one in denial tremendously, not to mention give you both tons of support and information.

What if these ideas don't work? What can you do if they just won't read anything or go to a meeting? Perhaps their frame of mind is, "That's my child and I know them better than any doctor does!" Is there any hope?

There's always hope. It's understandable that a parent doesn't want their child to be anything less than perfect. But remember, no one is perfect. Yes, some of us have disabilities. Some of us have kids that are disabled. Some disabilities are more disabling than others. But regardless, we are the parent. Part of our responsibility as a parent is to care for and provide for our children. How can we provide for that child adequately if we are in denial? If we have it set in our mind that there is nothing wrong with our child, when there is something wrong, how are we caring for and providing for their mental, educational, and medical needs? If we are in denial, we are not.

For the parents who live with someone in denial, time heals a lot. Perhaps that parent has to deal with hopes and dreams gone up in smoke. Maybe they wanted a son who would play football, and yet their son can not catch a ball, and does good to throw it, being uncoordinated. Maybe there were dreams of college and a career for a daughter, yet the daughter cannot get past a third grade level at 12 years old. Dreams, hopes....there are new dreams and new hopes.

Dreams can change. Plans can change. People can change. Make the effort to see your child for who they are, not who you want them to be. See them for what they are......disabled. Don't make excuses for them. Don't pretend it's not there. Just because you cannot *see* a disability, that doesn't mean it's not there.

Get out of the denial, and get into the job of raising your kids the best you can. Get them the help they need, whether that's speech help, bed wetting help, medicine if they need it, therapy for the social problems, special services at school, etc.

You are the parents and care givers of the special needs child. There is no shame in having a loving child that doesn't express herself in the same manner as others, that has a speech problem, that wets the bed past the accepted age......that needs the parents to accept her as she is.