Autism in Public
An Open Letter
If you only knew what that mom wonders.
She wonders what she can do to get him to stop screaming. Sometimes it lasts all day, and lately, it's been almost every day. Then, while you put your kids back in the car, she wonders if he'll keep his seat belt on for the entire ride. You will get them home and they'll head right upstairs to play together nicely. She wonders if he'll decide it's time to begin switching the lights on and off repeatedly, or throw to everything that's on the desk onto to the floor.
When your kids fall down, you can ask them where it hurts and they can tell you. It hurts the other mom that all she can do is hold her little boy and wonder when he'll stop crying. Later, while you wonder what story you will read to your child tonight, the mom you know nothing about will once again cry herself to sleep in her husband's arms.
You wonder later why God would give any child to "that kind" of parent, yet she's thankful that God chose her. You judge the stranger based on that one incident, while she wonders why you didn't just ask if you could help. She probably wouldn't have taken it, but she would have appreciated the gesture.
Your four-year-old has mastered the art of conversation. She find's it triumphant that her son mumbles, "go school" and "want eat." You already wonder what your child's high school prom will be like. Meanwhile the other mom wonders when her four-year-old will potty train.
You wonder who your little one will marry some day, while the mom with the rambunctious son worries that he may not graduate from high school. You plan to send your child to the best university, and the lady that you never met wonders if she'll have to care for hers as an adult.
While she's not jealous that your kids obey, talk and dream, she does wonder what it would be like to be able to call her son "normal." He is who he is. There's no altering that, and his mother wouldn't change him for the world. But feeling your eyes burn through her melts her soul. She does the best he can, and wonders why you judge them both.
She doesn't ask for your sympathy, just your understanding. Her family puts a lot of time and effort into helping him become the best somebody he can be. You don't see it, but that's all right, because his mom sees it every day. She sees the victories as well as the defeats.
You cast your judgment based on the one day you saw the unruly child in public. No one faults you for that, because the other mom used to do the same thing, back before her son's diagnosis. All the mom asks of you today is compassion and consideration.
Tonight, when you tuck your kids into bed, be thankful for the children you have and for who they are. Understand that, while you are getting butterfly kisses from your little angel, there are parents wondering when theirs will be able to say the words, "I love you."
Published by Jon Gilbert
Writer, husband, father, entrepreneur. We have our share of happiness and challenges, just as any other family; only a little more of each. View profile
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27 Comments
Post a CommentWow John, this was our lives before diagnosis and dietary intervention. When they asked me for my goals at my son's intake eval. I said "I just want people to see the wonderful, bright, kind child I know he is." I hope this helps some folks to become more understanding, less-judgemental and more supportive of parents who are coping with the difficult moments our children have.
I placed a link to "Autism in Public" on my Facebook page, and issued a challenge to my friends to take the time and think about what you had to say. Hope your site lights up with visits! It would be wonderful if 1 in every 92 people would know what it feels like to be the parent of a child with autism, without having to BE the parent of a child with autism. Thank you again.
I just finished reading your article "Autism in Public". Extremely well written and moving!
It reminded me of one of the worst moments of my life. We used to go to church as often as we could. But it was really hard with Benny. He loved the music, but the waiting for more music was often too much for him.
One Sunday, before he found his voice, the sermon was too long. He was probably 3 (?), so we hadn't figured a lot of stuff out yet, but we had been using sign language for about a year and he was finally catching on to the meaning behind words and signs. Still, he was having a really hard time.
Two elderly women kept turning around and staring at us. Shaking their heads. Rolling their eyes. The scorn was radiating from them.
Then I watched as one of the ladies saw Brent sign "Wait a minute. More music is coming..." to Benny. And saw her turn to her friend and say "Ohhhh... he's deaf" and look at us with such compassion and sadness.
I wasn’t sure if I was angry or sad
The fact is presented excellently. But unfortunately the readers to whom it is targeted will never bother to read it(We cannot blame them - as many of us too do not bother to reader articles on other disability/disease which one cannot understand until and unless one has him/her self come accros the same.). But still these articles does help parent of a special child by giving us more mental strength in continuing our efforts of bringing up a special child.
Thao, thanks for the comment
Chitra, Sadly, the ones we would like to have read this article, never will...
Celeste, may I add a link to your blog on mine: (Same Child, Different Day) http://thesamechild.blogspot.com ?
Monica, I'm sorry you had that encounter, but you know only too well that this is something we all experience in our situation only too often. Sadly, there are even neuro-typical kids who're just having a bad day, and the parents would like some compassion as well. If people would look outside their own opinions and (mis)conceptions from time-to-time...
Summer, I'm glad I could help!
Hello Jon, Youve written the article sooo well..thanks..wish could make everyone read it..