Avian Serial Killer

Son, Boyfriend and I planned to leave San Diego to visit my folks in Roseburg, Oregon. I applied for and received two weeks of vacation. On the day we were scheduled to leave, Boyfriend decided he wanted to build a camper shell on the back of his pickup. He framed it with two by fours and covered it in plywood. He installed a window next to the cab and a locking door with a window where the tailgate had been. He glued a white laminate over the finished camper shell and covered it with a layer of shellac to keep out the rain. When the shell was finished, he built storage boxes to cover the wheel wells inside. I upholstered them with foam and carpet, so they could also serve as benches. He liked the look and cut plywood to fit the floor. He asked me to upholster it, too. The camper shell construction took three days.

I wanted to travel straight through, driving day and night for the 20 hours it took to get to my childhood home. I hadn't seen my family for five years and I was eager to spend a week with them.

We drove from San Diego to Los Angeles the first day. Boyfriend wanted to visit Universal Studios.

"It's $18.50 a piece for you and Son," Boyfriend said, waiting for me to dig into my wallet and pay up.

"I told you I don't have very much money and I'm saving what little I have to spend in Roseburg," I said, furrowing my brow. We'd been together for seven years and had split everything down the middle since the beginning of our relationship.

"I could pay and you could pay me back," Boyfriend suggested.

"Sure," I said, fuming.

"Great," said Son. He was anxious to see his grandparents, too.

I turned to him, consciously relaxing the tension in my face. "It's less than one day. We'll get there tomorrow night, really late."

He nodded and I saw his mood shift. We could spare a few hours.

We left Universal Studios late that night and began driving north. We drove about 50 miles and Boyfriend pulled off the freeway.

"Do you need to go to the bathroom?" I asked.

"Yes. Then we'll find a place to sleep until morning." Boyfriend answered.

Son and I were both exhausted from walking around in the Southern California sun all day, so we welcomed the idea of kicking back in a nice hotel room for the evening.

Boyfriend pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store. We all used the bathroom and then went into the store. He picked out some food for himself and stood in line at the register.

I walked over to him. Son followed. "What about us?" I asked. "You know about my financial situation."

"Go get something. You can pay me back," he answered.

Son and I grabbed some Hot Pockets and cola. Boyfriend paid. We went back out to the pickup.

"What hotel are we staying at?" I asked.

"We'll find a street in a neighborhood and crash in the camper shell." Boyfriend answered. I was speechless.

Son and I made one more trip to the convenience store bathrooms to brush our teeth. Boyfriend drove to a nearby neighborhood and parked on the side of the street. We climbed into the back of the camper. Son slept in a hammock we had hung. Boyfriend and I pulled a blanket over us and slept on the carpeted floor of the camper shell. In the morning we went back to the store for donuts and coffee before heading north. I added the cost to my running tab.

When we got to San Francisco, Boyfriend drove to the piers and parked. I've never seen Alcatraz," he said.

Son groaned and didn't bother to hide his anger.

"This is my vacation, too," I said. "I want to get up to my parent's house. At this rate, we'll get to stay there for one day before we have to go back!"

"I planned on checking out Universal Studios and San Francisco on this trip!" Boyfriend countered.

"Anything else you neglected to tell me?" I spat.

"That's it," he answered.

We went to Alcatraz. We ate at a restaurant on the pier. We went to the wax museum. I added the totals to my tab. I'd already spent more than I had saved for my journey.

Later that evening, I said, "I am not sleeping on the side of the road in this town. If we aren't driving, you need to get us a hotel!"

Boyfriend drove to China Town and booked us into a $40.00 a night hotel. While I showered, he went out to bring back food for all of us. I added it to my ever growing tab.

The next morning, we headed north. We drove through California and into Oregon. When we saw a sign that advertised the Oregon Caves, Boyfriend said he wanted to visit them. I clamped my jaws tightly to keep from starting a heated argument as we drove the winding road to the chateau and parked.

Son wasn't as tolerant. "I'm hitchhiking the rest of the way!" he yelled, walking away.

I ran after him. "We'll catch the tour and then we'll go!" I told him. He calmed down.

"Sorry sir. The last tour already left. The next one leaves tomorrow morning at 8:00," the ranger told Boyfriend.

"Let's go." I said, pulling Boyfriend back to the pickup. We had a chance to make it to my parent's house before dark.

"No! We're here and we're going to wait to see the caves!" Boyfriend took a stand.

Son started walking. He was on a mission to get to his grandparent's house. I told him that I would keep Boyfriend on track and we'd get there by lunchtime. I told him I would worry if he hitchhiked. Eventually I talked him into waiting one more day.

"Can we stay at the lodge?" I asked Boyfriend.

When he found the price to be over $100 per night, he refused to get a room.

"We'll sleep in the camper." Boyfriend said.

"What about dinner?" My stomach was growling.

"We can eat at the diner. You can..."

"I know! I can pay you back!" I opened the camper shell door to find the window construction had blown out. I set it inside one of the storage boxes and arranged the blankets for sleeping. We went to the diner and ate burgers and fries. I added it to my tab.

We used the public bathrooms in the lodge. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and combed all the knots out of my long blond hair. We all headed back to the pickup to get some sleep.

At dawn, I felt as though I was being watched. The sensation was so strong it woke me from a deep sleep. A chill traveled up my spine and the hair on the back of my neck rose. I held my breath, listening for a sound that would identify the thing I knew to be there. I pretended to be asleep and turned to the source of the burning stare. I gradually opened my eyes, peering cautiously through my eyelashes. I didn't want to alert the fiend to my waking state.

Perched on the cab of the pickup, head angled downward, peering into the opening where the camper window used to be, was the intruder. Our eyes locked. Those eyes were uncaring, dull black orbs, the type of eyes that a serial killer might have. Looking at my long blonde hair with larceny in his heart was a crow the size of a neutered tom cat!

I released the kind of high pitched warble that scream queens earn notoriety for. I did not want to wrestle that enormous menace from my hair in the confines of a six by eight foot space.

Startled by my shriek, it flapped his wings and flew off. Son sat straight up, cracking his head on a two by four supporting the roof. Boyfriend started to rise. The hammock came down, spilling Son on top of Boyfriend. Boyfriend was pinned to the floor, his upright journey interrupted.

"What's wrong?" Son demanded.

I sat up and hung my head, hair covering my face as I struggled to gain control. "A bird scared me." I felt hysterical laughter bubbling up and bit my lip to suppress it. I had to get to the bathroom, before I peed my pants.

Inside the bathroom, I laughed loud and long. All the tension drained from my body. After breakfast, we went on the cave tour. Then we got on the road and headed north, arriving at my folk's house a few hours later.