Avoid Being the Joke of the Bar: A Drunk Girl's Story

We have all been out with our friends and decided to tie one on. Whether it was the night before Thanksgiving or a random Saturday night at the local bar doesn't make much of a difference. If you decide it is the night you are going to get your drink on and leave the house with the full intention of getting hammered, you can plan on something crazy happening. Let's just hope that when it does, you or your friends can keep it minimized so no one ends up the laughing stock of the bar. You have to remember that you will probably want to frequent this bar again in the future. You don't want to be that girl that the bar staff remembers as the one that got naked on the dance floor or puked on the DJ's shoes.

I can honestly tell you that on many occasions I have taken the "Girl's Night Out" to an extreme. Where I live, it is only a twenty minute drive to Windsor Canada. In Canada the legal drinking age is nineteen. So needless to say, I started early. There are way to many stories for me to get in to here, plus you would probably want to know when my liver transplant is taking place. On that note I decided I wanted to just highlight one of the good ones for you.

Most recently, I went out for my thirty second birthday with some friends. I am a single mom, so I don't get out as much as I would like. That said, you can only imagine the kind of craziness that can ensue when you are getting ready to go out with the full intention of being wasted by the end of the night. I can honestly say that this kind of wasted I hadn't done in years, and never would have expected. I'm getting old, I didn't think I had it in me anymore. We started at a little hole in the wall place with seventy five cent bottle beers. If you don't want to be the laughing stock, I would suggest you don't do this. Oh boy, when the beers are that cheap, it's like a challenge. You have to get your moneys worth for sure. We stuck around there for a couple hours (and a million beers) and then decided to head to another place with a band. Lets just say that the next place didn't have the drink specials, but by then we didn't know any different. We were already primed and cost was no longer an issue.

I can tell you that my last full memory of this bar was probably around midnight. I don't remember leaving at closing. I don't remember falling in the bathroom (so my girls tell me). I don't remember the pictures I insisted on taking with complete random strangers for no apparent reason, but the proof of those was on my phone the next morning.

We left there and headed back to the house of one of the couples I went out with. This is when the real nutty stuff started. Now this part I have to tell you from stories and not memories. I had to be filled in 100% the next day from my friend. I have no memory of any of this, and thats probably good, I don't think I want to physically be able to recall these actions. Lets just say I ended up on the front lawn of this friends house, drunk dialing and ranting and crying for no apparent reason. Everyone else was inside hanging out and being silly. I was told that my friends husband was in there playing with a stuffed monkey and repeating "I got monkeys in me". We don't know why. When asked the next day, neither does he.

After my friend saw me on the lawn crying for nothing and trying to work my phone, she decided that it may be time to take me home. We got in the car to leave and apparently I decided that I was going to be a rebel and refuse to put my seat-belt on. Every time her car did the little beep thing telling her that all seat-belts were not fastened, I would break out in a devious hysterical laugh. All the while her husband is in the back seat repeating that he had the monkeys in him. Once she convinced me to put on my seat-belt (half way to her house), I began to rant about some ex that i had drunk dialed that had pissed me off for who knows why. I was yelling and bitching about it and then her husband chimed in and began to tell us what he would have said to the guy if he were me. This may not sound funny that he did that, but you should know that he was having a completely imaginary conversation in the back seat with himself about what he would have said, and it lasted the entire way home.

So we arrive to her house, her husband immediately goes in the house and upstairs to bed. I decide I am going to refuse to go in the house and proceed to cry some more on her front porch. We still have no idea why I was crying to this day. She asked me repeatedly that night why i was crying and i kept yelling at her and telling her I didn't know why. Who knows. She finally convinced me to go in the house at four a.m. Apparently then I just went in and sat on the couch,and then passed out mid sentence, fully dressed, and sitting up.

I woke up on her couch in my new birthday dress with some Taco Bell spots on the front at eight. I took a look around, saw all my stuff, grabbed it, and headed for home. I had no idea what had transpired the night before and wasn't sure I wanted to. I just had that sinking feeling in my stomach and knew I was in for some kind of crazy story to be told later that day.

This is my advice if you decide to go on a bender. For sure you need to eat first (because I didn't). You need to know your tolerance and don't ignore it for the sake of a good time. Stay away from those damn seventy five cent beers! And make sure the people you go out with are qualified to deal with you in the event that you forget or disregard the other advice I gave.

Have fun next time you hit the bar. Remember to have a designated driver, and stay away from those monkeys, they make you do crazy things.