Avoid Being the Late-Night Bar Joke: From Singing to Dancing to Flashing

After a late night out, it's easy to become the joke of the bar. Here are some tips to avoid becoming the late-night bar joke.

Don't think you can sing. Many people realize that they can't sing when they're sober, but then after they have a few drinks, they suddenly think they're Pavarotti. Even worse than their singing are the songs they choose to sing. The other bar patrons are often blessed with some way off-tune Hall and Oates, Captain and Tenille, or Sonny and Cher. Besides these retro duets, you should also avoid songs that are way too hard for a drunken lush to sing, like Aretha Franklin or Alicia Keys. Equally irritating are songs that you don't even know the words to when you're sober. Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire is best left to Billy Joel; let's face it, you can't even keep up with the tempo, let alone get your slurred words right.

What's even worse than drunken singing is when drunk people try to piece together an entire performance. I was once at a bar where a drunk guy started singing Stop in the Name of Love. I wanted to tell him to stop in the name of all that's Holy, but I didn't get a chance. Before I could say anything he had danced his way out of the bar and into the street. He walked into oncoming traffic, put up his hand, and half-screamed, half-sang, "Stop in the name of Love! Before you break my heart!" The oncoming car managed to stop, but they weren't impressed with his performance.

Keep your clothes on. Really, just keep them on. Since pounding down your last shot, you may have come to the realization that you are sexy...but no one else has. And, even if you are physically fit, nothing good ever comes from stripping down in the middle of a bar when you're drunk (unless it's your job, in which case, why are you drunk? That will kill your act!) In any case, keep your clothes on at all costs. I don't care if you have to glue them on and sew the buttons shut, just keep your clothes on.

Don't think you've found your soul mate. I know many people who have made this mistake. They think they've found the perfect girl (or guy) for them and head home with them. This is bad because the other people at the bar (including any of your friends) can see what you're leaving with, and chances are, it's hilarious. What makes this even worse, however, is when you wake up the next morning and wonder why this smelly hobo with a beer belly is sleeping next to you, and why you're laying in a pool of his vomit. Never hook up with anyone at the bar unless you already know them.

Don't dance. I once went to a coming home party for a guy who had been overseas for over two years. I remember going to the bar, and I remember waking up with a massive headache the next day, but I can't remember anything in between. Everyone else, however, remembers that I was dirty dancing with the guy's sister. We were grinding to Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light. That was over a year ago, and I still haven't lived it down. I think people will probably talk about it at my funeral. Don't make the same mistake I did. Even if you are a good dancer when you're sober, you will make horrible stylistic choices when you're drunk. Avoid dancing at all costs!

Avoid cameras. If you have had too much to drink, one of the most important things you can do is avoid any kind of camera, whether it's video or digital. Just ask the cast of any of the Girls Gone Wild videos, and they'll tell you what a bad idea it is to decide you're going to become a film star when you're drunk. These pictures and videos of you will last forever, and can even be used as blackmail. Plus, if you ever see them again, you'll have to remember how ridiculous you looked, and you won't have the comfort of being drunk the second time around.

Don't think you're an accomplished drinker if you're not. A lot of people get drunk and suddenly think they can consume mass quantities of alcohol. Don't suddenly decide that you should slam down eight Jager bombs if you wouldn't do it sober. I went to a wedding with a guy friend once, and he decided he was going to do some shots of tequila. I left for the dollar dance, and he was fine. When I came back, he was falling off his bar stool and the bartender refused to serve him. He then ran out onto the dance floor and started doing some kind of hillbilly barn dance. He grabbed his imaginary giant belt buckle and started tapping his foot, and things pretty much went down from there. Know your limits. If you don't, you'll surely be forced to figure them out once it's too late.