"Avoid Death" 2007 Wackiest Warning Label

This week winners were named in the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse (M-LAW) eleventh annual Wackiest Warning Labels contest. The winner, submitted by Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, Michigan adorned a small tractor and stated the stunningly obvious, "Danger: Avoid Death." Pictures of all of the winners, past and present are available for your pleasure at the website to which I've included a link. Soave took home $500 dollars and a copy of the best selling book "Remove Child Before Folding," the title alluding to a past winner, which was a warning label on a stroller.

M-LAW started the contest as a way of calling attention for the need to reform our legal system in order to end abusive lawsuits. Since it's inception the contest has become quite popular with people from around the country contributing warnings the need for which is nearly inconceivable to the rational mind. Only one thing could improve the laughability of the contest, and that would be publishing the picture of the person who made each of these labels a necessity. After all, each of these labels could only have been the result of a lawsuit in which someone had actually done the warned against activity.

The second wackiest warning label of 2007 was sent in by the Turin family of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, who will split the $250 dollar prize three ways. Their submission is the warning label on an iron on t-shirt transfer, which warns, "Do not iron while wearing shirt." If only the person to whom this was not obvious could be named. It would probably entail another lawsuit, though. Sadly this one also raises the unpleasant possibility that someone tried this on a shirt being worn by a child, since it's hard to imagine an adult who would consent to the experiment and it would be hard to do on yourself. Child endangerment is a specter hinted at by many of the warnings.

Number three is a perfect example. The warning is on a small pouch that came with a stroller and it warns, "Do not put child in bag." That's a pretty wacky warning alright, not to mention scary. Some people clearly shouldn't have kids. Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Massachusetts won $100 for contributing this classic of the wackiest warnings genre.

And who knew that opening the mail could be dangerous? Honorable mention went to a warning label that implies exactly that. It's a warning on a plastic letter opener that reads, "Caution: Safety goggles recommended." Some of us need to rethink our mail handling strategies, I guess.

The second honorable mention went to Ann Marie Young of Fillmore, New York for a warning that hints the deviousness more than anything. Next time you have someone sign a contract, look at the pen and make sure it doesn't have this warning: "The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents."

Past years have brought some equally wacky warning labels. For example the fishing lure with a three-pronged hook that warns: "Harmful if swallowed." Alcohol would almost have to have been a factor in that warning label's inception. I went to high school with a guy who swallowed things as a stupid party trick. Maybe he finally went too far. Swallowing a fishhook then filing a lawsuit alleging you should have been warned is par for the course on this list.

Or how about the scooter with the warning, "Caution: this product moves when used"? I wonder what they thought it was for when they were buying it? Or the cardboard sun shield, you know, the ones that go in front of the windshield. It carries the helpful reminder, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."

There are plenty more where those came from at the website, so if you have some time to kill and want to pick up a few safety tips check them out. And if you keep your eyes open maybe you could be next year's winner.