Avoid Making Poor Assumptions in Your Relationship

A lot of times we can run into conflicts and arguments in our relationships that never needed to have occured in the first place. The resulting disagreement is in many ways a sham, because it's a situation where two people aren't reacting to each other's real words and feelings, but rather their own unspoken assumptions. Nearly any statement a significant other makes can be interpreted by us in countless ways if we don't take the time to clarify what they really meant.

This is so habitual - so ingrained in the way we humans operate - that we hardly notice it. We feel the emotions, whether they are anger, disappointment, resentment, fear, etc., but we aren't aware of where they're coming from. For example, consider that your girlfriend of boyfriend comes home in the evening and says, "I really wish I didn't have to work so much. I'm burnt out. " Now, this could be a simple and harmless statement. He or she may just be tired, or wishing they had another job, whatever. But it is at this point that a lot of us will get that internal dialogue going in high gear. 'What's s/he mean, if only s/he didn't have to work so hard. Is that supposed to imply that it's my fault, because I don't work enough, or don't earn enough? Or is that just some kind of advance warning, that I shouldn't expect any attention/ comforting/ cuddling/ lovemaking tonight because s/he's burnt out?'

We naturally do this kind of thing all the time. The tragedy, though, is that we often react at this point without making an effort to clarify their meaning and our feelings. Acting on the assumption that we're somehow being accused, we might just shoot off a remark like "Well, it's not my fault you hate your job!" Right off the bat, we withold our affection, hide away our sympathy, and give them a barbed comment to react to in turn. "Maybe if you spent within your means a bit better I wouldn't have to hold a job like the one I've got," they might retort.

But this probably wasn't their original feeling. They're just hurt, at this point, and being defensive. If we give our partners the benefit of the doubt in situations like these, and don't just assume that they're attacking us from the get-go, the outcome could be quite different.

"Well, it's almost the weekend," we might respond instead to the first statement. "I'm pretty worn out myself, but maybe we could find some time to go out or just relax together in the next couple of days."

Odds are good that our hypothetical partner will feel more at ease after hearing this. We listened; we acknowledged their feelings and didn't react. What's more, instead of drawing undue attention to our own woes ( in an effort to compete: "yeah, well I'm probably suffering more than you anyway!") we let it be known that we value our time with them. Nothing works so well as simple caring and soft words to bring people's guards down and let the love come flowing through again. This can only happen if we put a little energy into our communications and seek for the truth at the heart of the matter - not the proof of our own assumptions.