Avoid Raising a Mama's Boy and Raise a Good Husband

Raising a son is not without its gender specific challenges, and I can't help noticing that many mothers of past generations have failed in these areas. I don't mean to judge them as I know they truly believed they were doing their best. But in their efforts to ensure that their sons ALWAYS need them, and that no woman will every take the place of dear old mom, they created MAMA'S BOYS; needy, pouting, non-communicating, helpless slobs who grow up expecting their wives to pick up their dirty socks, learn how to make mom's special grilled cheese sandwiches and apple pie, always put their needs first, and to anticipate their every need before they are forced to express themselves verbally. And dear old mom would accept nothing less from her future daughter-in-law than her very best, yet never quite good enough, efforts to fill her shoes.

I can forgive the mothers of the pre-feminist era. It made sense to them to let their husbands teach their sons to be men while they taught there daughters to cook, clean, iron and generally care for these men who would inevitably become yet another crop of helpless husbands. But in these post-feminist times, it only makes sense that we raise our children to be strong, capable, self-sufficient adults. It is simply unfair to continue to strap modern women who have charged their way into the workforce and demanded gender equality with men who can't survive without a doting woman.

I love my mother-in-law dearly. She raised five boys and was the typical obsessively doting mother. Her grown boys are shamelessly unappreciative of her undying need to serve them and often respond to her in a very unapologetically obnoxious manner. I tell her she should scold them when they do this and she says she is too nice and they are grown men and she doesn't feel that would be right (it is clear to me they never received much reprimanding for their bad behavior). I remind her that she is still their mother and if they are acting like bratty children they should be treated as such. It's a lost cause at this point and while I love her youngest son very much, I resent feeling as though I need to teach him the basics that his mother let fall through the cracks. When I was 25 I vowed never to try to change a man. At 30 I realized that thanks to their mothers, every guy is going to need some tweaking.

I have taken several steps already to ensure that my child does not grow into a helpless mama's boy.

Step one- I forced myself to let my him cry it out in his crib for many torturous hours. It was good for him, I insisted. He learned to soothe himself. He did fall asleep eventually, and when he woke, he was relieved to learn that he had survived this lesson in solitude, and that mommy is still there.

Step two- When he is on the brink of danger, I step back (every so slightly) and let him make a decision. Sometimes, I will even let him make the wrong decision. This will teach him to be independent and cautious, and that his actions will have consequences.

Step three-When he falls, I wait for him to decide if he is truly hurt before jumping out of my seat to rescue him. This will teach him to be strong and tough, and to shake off the little things!

Step four- I always try to prepare something that will allow him to self-feed. This will lead to teaching him to prepare his own meals when he is hungry. When I was growing up, my brother would declare that he was hungry and my mother would offer to make him something. When I said it, she would offer me a list of things that I could make myself. I'm grateful for her teaching me to be self-sufficient, and confused as to why she didn't think my brother needed this life skill. The other day I was at my brother's house visiting with my sister-in-law. My brother was doing some painting in their new house and tending to their baby. At one point my brother said, "Julie make me...I mean, can you make me a ham and cheese sandwich please." She and I looked at each other in disgust knowing he what he was going to say before he remembered they had company. Luckily his wife is a strong woman who is begrudgingly trying to patch the holes my mother left in my brother.

Step five (And this one is critical)-I allow my son to cry in the arms of someone other than myself. This one is hard for a few reasons. As a mother, you know that you have the power to instantly rescue your child from this stranger and in a matter of seconds, make everything right in their world again. And as a fellow human being, you feel anxious and terrified that someone else has to endure the torturous howls of YOUR child. But if you every wish to have some freedom from the clutches of parenting over the next 20 years, there is no greater lesson for you and your child to learn than to trust and feel safe and secure when your child is in the care of someone other than mommy. And if you ever want people to offer to help you and give you a much needed break, let them know that you trust them with your child. If people think you are a neurotic, over-protective mess, they will never feel comfortable attempting to help you. Learn to LET GO, or you will be stuck holding of for a VERY long time.

I have learned that boys are more sensitive to this separation anxiety. When I drop off my daughter at daycare she quickly orders me to leave. She feels independent here in her territory and sees no sense in my hanging around. She's right. As her daycare teachers will attest to, it takes boys a longer time to adjust to being dropped off and left behind. And for some reason, it is harder to see your little boy cry for mommy. Our society has taught us (falsely) that boys are the tougher sex, so if our son is crying, he must really, really need his mommy. Wrong! He is crying because he knows mommy will cave. Then these boys grow into men, their crying turns into pouting and the caving in becomes the wife's job.

We, as mothers have a responsibility to our fellow women. Take a good look at your husband, or even your father, and ask yourself what would make them a better husband/father. Be sure to instill these missing links in your son. Teach him that you will not always be there anticipating his every need. Teach him that you have faith in him that even when you are not around, he will survive with the skills you have given him. His wife will thank you later.

We all want our sons to fall for a woman who reminds them of dear old mom. But while I hope that my son seeks out a woman just like his mother, I hope he is drawn to her for her strength, her big heart and her unconditional love rather than her desire to meet his every need.