Avoid Thankgiving Day Stress- Tips for a Joyous Occasion

Thanksgiving has finally arrived. And, although we do not celebrate in exactly the same way as our Founding Fathers centuries ago, we still enjoy the gathering together of family and friends in thanks for what we have. The day is supposed to be care-free, joyous, and void of any stress or anxiety. After all, we have no financial obligations to address, no presents to purchase, no deadlines to adhere . . . just a wholesome meal among those we cherish the most. Right?

Thanksgiving day can be one of the most fulfilling and fun holidays of the season, yet it can also create a great amount of stress and anxiety. To make the most of your Turkey Day celebration, you must learn how to take control of your stress. And, although it may seem next to impossible to accomplish, your stress can all but disappear if you follow a few "tricks of the trade."

1. Set Absolute Boundaries: Say No!

I have a neighbor and friend, let's say her name is Alexis, who is single-handedly expected to cook for her entire family every single Thanksgiving. This year, her family will include her two children, her husband, her parents and his parents, 11 rowdy teenagers, 6 uncles, 5 aunts, 2 tweens, and a baby. I am not certain of the reason, but somehow Alexis was donned the expert Thanksgiving Day chef years ago, so naturally, why wouldn't she want to cook for everybody? Certainly, nobody can cook a bird like she does. And naturally, if she plans to do all of that cooking, she might as well host the dinner too, right. It's just so convenient for everyone in the family.

Everyone, that is, except Alexis.

I am certain that all of us know someone just like my neighbor, and perhaps WE are the Alexis in our own families. It is very hard to say no to anyone or to break away from family traditions and norms. However, without speaking up for yourself and saying "no," the obligations will never stop. It falls squarely upon our own shoulders to set limitations and boundaries for what others can expect from us. When we set these boundaries, we reduce our obligations - or at least most of them - and therefore reduce our stress levels.

If you are the hostess/cook for your family's dinner, you may wish to take a moment before the holiday arrives to ask yourself how you feel about the arrangement. Are you pleasant and happy to do the cooking and all of the work? Or, would you prefer a simpler way? Perhaps taking suggestions such as asking each family member to bring a contributing dish or ordering out for some items may be of benefit to you. Some restaurants even take orders long before Thanksgiving Day for entire meals, having them hot and ready for you on Thanksgiving morning.

2. Visit With the Whole Family, Just One at a Time

In my husband's extended family there are numerous homes to visit during the holidays. We used to try to visit everybody every holiday, which was stressful, expensive, and time-consuming. Not only was it a burden for me, but for my husband and kids as well. We had to keep strict time lines for how long we could stay at each person's home that people literally got short-shifted. Not to mention the fact that if we forgot one family over visiting another someone's feelings got hurt, sometimes badly. And finally, no matter whose house it was or what time of the day, we were always expected to eat. We had to try Aunt Kathy's famous carrot cake or how crispy George's turkey tasted.

By limiting the holidays to one or two people, such as my parents during Thanksgiving and his parents during Christmas, our stress levels were significantly reduced and my loved ones did not feel abandoned.

People who have young children may attempt to visit with every Grandparent each holiday. Once again, doing so will involve a great deal of "road time" and very little "stress-free on the couch" time. Consider hosting holiday-related parties at "off" times during the year or somewhat near the holidays but not the actual holiday date. In this way, you can avoid unnecessary stress, the multiple house/family hopping all day long and actually enjoy spending time with everyone.

3. Count to Ten

Yes, we have all heard this age-old, three word phrase of wisdom. When we are upset or angry, we only need to count to ten and all of a sudden the magical, rational side of our beings will gain control. Much easier said than done, isn't it. Interestingly, when we at least attempt to count to ten we find that, even in the slightest way, we are a little more in control of ourselves and can address whatever the situation may be in a calmer way.

During the holidays it is especially wise to (quietly) count to ten before reacting to statements or suggestions by well-meaning loved ones. For example, if Uncle Bernie calls you at the last minute and says, "You ought to change your flight to an earlier time so we don't have to eat so late," resist the deep urge to tell him exactly what you think at that moment. Take a breath, count, and respond with, "I know it is an inconvenience to eat so late. Maybe everybody could have a big lunch together, and then we can have a smaller sized supper when we arrive. We just want to be able to see you."

By responding in this way you:

a. Avoid any debates on whether or not you can change your travel plans. You made your plans for specific reasons, so don't back down.

b. Address the hidden issue- everybody will be hungry and sitting around waiting for you to arrive so that they can eat.

c. Diffuse the confrontation by mentioning the true meaning behind the get together- being together and visiting with everyone!

The count-to-ten strategy may not work for everyone, and we have all been met head-on with challenging family members or situations where there is not an easy solution. But I assure you, if you react without anger, you will lessen any potential conflict.

4. Get Creative With Your Seating Arrangements

Let's face reality: not everybody is the greatest of friends with every member of our family all the time. Perhaps your husband has never seen eye-to-eye with your brother. You can pretend that there is no tension between the two, or you can accept the facts, and seat them at different ends of the table. Potential conflict can never be totally eliminated, but the operative word here is REDUCE.

I remember as a child how excited I was when I was finally allowed to move to the adult's table during our family dinners. I didn't realize until I was older that the privilege was granted based on maturity and age. If your behaviors were that of a child or you needed hand-holding, then you were seated at the kids' table or in a separate room. The designation served a useful purpose, not the least which was quiet and peace for the adults who were trying to enjoy a holiday meal! If you have young children in your family, you may wish to separate them to a children's table or to another room as well. Certainly, someone would need to supervise the kids, but parents can take 15 minute shifts to do so, as a suggestion. Each adult will get time with the children while still being able to partake of the holiday dinner.

5. Keep Everyone Busy

Keeping everyone busy during the Thanksgiving meal preparation as well as afterwards can be a way to reduce any potential problems. If everybody has a task to do such as making the gravy, setting the table, folding the napkins . . . they could be too busy to pick on anybody else. The same rule applies for after the dinner as well. Give a task to everyone before they retire to the den or living room. Perhaps the task will be something as simple as bringing all the empty plates and cups to the kitchen sink or emptying the garbage. Regardless of the job, try to give each person at least one small task instead of making a group of people (usually the women) take on the clean-up role.

6. Let it Lie

One of my dearest friends is a vegetarian. On Thanksgiving, she is traditionally preached to about why she should try the turkey just once, why being a strict vegetarian is bad for her health, how it would make Grandma happy, and so forth. In fact, the preaching was so extreme that she started to associate the holidays with a long list of justifications and being in front of the inquisition than about being herself and visiting relatives.

This is only one example of what is commonly called "unnecessary challenges." You may not agree with another person's choices in vacation destinations, house payments, spouse, food preferences, or modes of transportation, but then again, it's not your life. The holidays should always be a time of joy and compassion, yet we all know that all too often insecurity and jealousy tend to creep into our family gatherings. If you are the challenged individual, remember, sometimes the people who challenge you are doing so because they feel confused or threatened by your choices. If you understand their motive, it is much easier to refrain from exploding emotionally, and instead, address their questions with kindness. Some questions may not be so easy to discuss or explain, and a simple response of, "That's an interesting point," will avoid most potential conflicts.

And the hardest part of letting it lie: when someone tries to start a fight, even if it appears unintentional, be the bigger person.

7. Deal With Finances

We may not grace the aisles of our local department store with gift list in hand on Thanksgiving, but the holiday is far from sweet and innocent when it comes to our wallets. The abundance of food costs money . . . hard earned money. And Thanksgiving is the biggest travel day in America, even above Christmas or Chanukah! Airfares, bus passes, and train fares are often as much as four times higher than the average rate during the 4-day Thanksgiving holiday.

As mentioned earlier, one way to keep your dinner within budget is to have a potluck dinner, or perhaps suggest it to whomever is doing the hosting. The huge amount of leftovers, if divided and stored properly, can translate into several meals for each member of the family long after Turkey Day!

When it comes to the price of traveling, you can reduce your costs by traveling at off-times. If your family dinner is scheduled for 4pm on Thanksgiving day, you may consider taking a plane or driving the morning of, depending on how far you have to travel, of course. Statistically speaking, most travelers will make their travel plans for the day before and the day after Thanksgiving, as well as during the peak hours of 2pm and 8pm. By avoiding peak travel times you may get better prices, and in turn, reduce your stress levels. Less people traveling means less traffic, shorter lines, and quicker travel times. Couldn't be bad!

If you plan to travel a great distance for the holiday, try to avoid staying in a hotel and opt for a relative's couch or spare bedroom instead. The accommodations may not be perfect or ideal, but they will do for only one night, and the savings will be worth it.

Remember that sleeping on floors and couches may be unappealing for adults, but the younger children tend to find this arrangement amusing. You could turn it into one big sleep-over night, complete with pillow fights and sleeping bags. You may find that what would normally be cramped quarters, such as on a living room floor, actually turns into an evening of fun for your family.

8. Get Enough Sleep

Stress creates insomnia, and insomnia creates stress. It's a never-ending cycle, unless you actively stop its continuation.

Sleep is very important during the holidays, because we are often so worn out with extra duties, errands, visiting, obligations, etc. Shopping for food or presents, preparing the house for guests, hosting a gathering, holiday cooking and clean-up, and devoting adequate personal time for each member of the family are additional chores above and beyond those of our every day, busy lives. Take note that you are doing double, or even triple, duty all day long. Sleep allows us to recover our minds and bodies from our days of hard work, helps us to maintain an even keel even when things seem to get rough, and gives us much needed energy to make it through the holidays!

9. Stay Healthier

The stress we feel during the holidays can feel a whole lot worse if you are not at 100%. Making sure you are getting an adequate amount of sleep is the number one way to avoid getting sick. Other health-boosting tips include covering your mouth when you go outdoors, washing your hands regularly, and drinking at least one glass of orange juice every day. If you wear a scarf it can serve as a protector against the cold as well as a barrier between you and others who are sick in public transportation or stores. Taking a walk can help to reduce stress, clear your head, and help you get your exercise. All of these tips, in their own little way, will help you to stay healthy this holiday season.

10. Embrace Your Family, Despite Their Flaws

With the holiday season around the corner, we are bombarded with movies and commercials that show us the love and joy of the season. In reality, real-life families are far from the perfect models we see. Realize that you can expect a little conflict, and this is normal. The stories may differ between families, but we can all recall some unbelievable or silly things during the holidays. Laughing over past events can be a wonderful way to liven up the party if the conversation starts going downhill. Ask everybody to talk about some of the most embarrassing or funniest things that happened in years past, and you will be surprised at how many bonds are formed.