Avoid a Valentine's Day Embarrassment - Keep Your Hickeys to Yourself

Since the hallowed holiday of St. Valentine is upon us, it seems only fitting to dissect the most weird of all possible love-making rituals: the exchange of hickeys. The unmistakable make-out faux pas elicits stares from strangers and covert glances from acquaintances. Think twice this Valentine's Day, don't let the Lust Fairy make an example out of you.

Years ago, I worked with a woman who would show up every Monday sporting an archipelago of black and blue marks on her neck. She was a very confident woman and not one to cover up her hickeys unless a supervisor told her to. I think she is the only person I've ever known who a.) was proud of her hickeys, and b.) didn't go into seclusion until they healed. Those of us who had to work with her thought it was kind of vulgar to be so cavalier at work.

In a highly scientific poll recently conducted by me, I asked some very qualified people, my friends, to share their thoughts on hickeys. You know, love bites, those embarrassing little marks left on the neck after sloppy snogging.

I find hickeys to be entirely gross. My very qualified respondents in my highly scientific research referred to hickeys as "nasty", "shameless" and "overt" among other monikers. That's because hickeys don't radiate sophistication, quite the opposite. Wearing a hickey declares to the world, "I am careless and also lecherous."

If hickeys are so unfashionable, how is it that everyone has worn a hickey at some point?

What Causes Hickeys?

Hickeys can appear on any part of the body, but the neck is most commonly affected because of its sensitive skin, close proximity to those kissable lips, and especially because necks are famously erogenous. When even the gentlest nibble is administered to tender neck skin, the result will almost always be a juicy purple hickey.

What is Ecchymosis?

Ecchymosis is the scientific term for a hickey. According to Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, ecchymosis is "the escape of blood into the tissues from ruptured blood vessels marked by a livid black-and-blue or purple spot or area." When the mouth of the hickey-giver creates a vacuum around the skin, the blood vessels beneath the skin break and blood leaks into the surrounding tissue, causing a hickey.

How Long Does it Take to Heal a Hickey?

That all depends on damage caused by the force of the suction. The University of Connecticut describes the healing process this way, "As the red blood cells in the lesion undergo progressive degeneration and the hemoglobin becomes converted through bilirubin into hemosiderin, the lesion progressively changes color from blue through green through purple to finally a brownish discoloration." I love that fancy terminology! So, basically, a hickey heals the same way any other bruise would heal. It'll turn a bunch of funny colors before it disappears completely. Until that happens, it's a continuous wardrobe of turtlenecks and neck scarves.

What Are the Social Ramifications From Exposing a Hickey?

Unless you're in seventh grade and you're trying to prove your (questionable) maturity to your peers, prancing around with hickeys on your neck isn't at all cool. People attribute bruises to poor health, so it's probably in bad taste to advertise to the world, "Hey, I might be diseased. And it's probably an infectious disease given the recreation I took part in last night." Plus, people will question your judgment. Is a momentary lapse of vigilance worth having your coworkers think of you as the seventh grader in the cubicle next door? I doubt it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be a cold shower on the holiday of love. I truly hope this Valentine's Day, you will be blessed with an abundance of pleasure, incalculable love, and safe pecks. Mind the neck when you nibble.