B Movies at Their Best: A Step by Step Guide to Filling Your Saturday Night

So it's Saturday night. Those great plans you had to go out suddenly fell through. Or if you're like me, you never had any to begin with. So what to do? Homework? No way. I always find myself flipping on the television and trying to desperately stumble upon something worth watching. It's really true what they say - when it comes to television, nothing good is ever on. But not so fast - there just might be something worth your time and loss of intelligence for a couple hours. What is it? It's that B-movie they keep repeating, that's what! Now before you give up on this article, bear with me for just a moment.

Think about it: sometimes watching that really mushy romantic drama, mind-numbing slasher flick, or lack luster comedy is just what each of us needs to take a break from that Chemistry lab, English paper, or History thesis. But I should warn you - viewing the truly pointless movie might actually make you feel worse about sitting in your dorm room alone. I have a few tips to make the experience a little less excruciating: 1. Bend your sense of disbelief. Maybe even snap it in half. We all know the stuff that happens in these movies is often ridiculous, and yet they keep multiplying.

Who needs the laws of physics, anyway? Remember, these are escape films, not that documentary on mold you got to see in biology. Let go of reality for a few minutes and enjoy. 2. Feel better about the fact that you are much smarter than 99% of the characters in horror films. Let's compare: Weird noise? They go investigate. You are getting a college education. That screaming heroine just happens to be running in the rain with a t-shirt on, how convenient. You realize that if a nutcase was coming after you, you'd move out of town, fast! These characters turn around while running from the maniac, and if he's not there, they think he's gone. You have common sense; they never will. Doesn't knowing that feel good? 3. Revive old disaster movies. The 1970s gave us some great disaster films.

My favorite is The Towering Inferno from 1974. Personally I believe this movie shouldn't be on any list of B-movies, but it's perfect for rainy afternoons or quiet weekends. Just consider the amazing cast: Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Richard Chamberlain, and even O.J.! Seriously, go rent this one. For rather dated special effects, try Earthquake, also from '74. Charlton Heston gets to save victims while telling those tectonic plates they'd have to pry his rifle out of his cold, dead hands. 4. Play Mystery Science Theater 3000. If you're not familiar, MTS3K was a popular show that aired on Comedy Central for 10 seasons.

The premise? A guy and two witty robots stuck in a satellite watch really terrible movies and make fun of them. You can do the same thing: go ahead, fill in snappy lines for stupid characters. It's fun, seriously. If people start accusing you of talking to yourself, they're just jealous. 5. Don't get stuck on stupid dialogue.

Sadly it appears that all the good screen writers suddenly aren't available when it comes to that pitch for Friday the 13th: Part 26: Jason Gets a New Hockey Mask or Maid in Manhattan Part 2: Jennifer Lopez Strikes Back. This is reflected in character dialogue and major plot points. But don't let that stop you from enjoying the film. For me, I simply just start giggling as soon as anyone utters, "I'll be right back", "I think the maniac is really dead this time", or "I think I'll marry the rich, shallow guy". Keep in mind that many of these thespians probably weren't cast for their previous experience in traveling Shakespeare groups. 6. Remember that the best actors had to start out somewhere.

Johnny Depp in A Nightmare on Elm St., Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th. Forgot that Jennifer Aniston was in Leprechaun? No worries, she was hoping you did, too. Vincent D'Onofrio of Law and Order: Criminal Intent fame probably doesn't list 1987's Adventures in Babysitting first on his resume. If you're worried that you won't have a job after college, just watch these determined actors do their thing long before any Oscar nominations or hit TV series. If they can recover, you can too. 7.

If Jean-Claude Van Damme appears at any time, you're in good shape. Come on, admit it, Street Fighter isn't really that bad. I'm not saying it's a masterpiece, but come on, it's entertaining. Nowhere to Run is gold. Time Cop? Well, watch this one in moderation. 8. Some movies are just not salvageable. It's the sad truth. No matter how hard you try to make some film disasters land in one piece, they still crash and burn. Maid in Manhattan should be destroyed. What a waste of my $1.95 to rent it. Why, Ralph Fiennes, why? Throw Mission Impossible 2 in there with it.

And The Sweetest Thing for just being too gross. I hope these tips have granted you some comfort in the fact that every night doesn't have to be the adventure of a lifetime. Movies are a great form of entertainment, even the ones that won't be winning awards anytime soon. So as long as you accept that the films included in the B-movie list aren't grand epics, educational, or even lucid, you can have a great time. Bring a friend; they'll respect your movie choices. I'm off to watch a cinematic masterpiece - Freddy vs. Jason. Enjoy!