Baby Boomer's Guide to Understanding Their Parents

I have never understood why the parents of so many baby-boomers acted toward their children the way they do and thought they were doing the right thing. I thought if I wrote it as a "how-to" guide, maybe I would understand. Maybe it would help me deal with it. I hope it helps you, or maybe you already understand your parents. Maybe it will improve your good parenting skills.

The steps of parenting are not easy when you start out, but the more you work with them, the easier they get. The rewards are worth it. You have to fully appreciate that once you start you can't stop. You have to stick by your guns. If you do stick with it you will have success. If you have success then your children can pass it on to their children. The steps are:

1. Your answer is always "No".

2. Your responses must always demonstrate the child has failed.
a. Never show approval
b. Never celebrate success
c. Always find something wrong
d. Always point out how they should have done better
e. Most important, never show pride in them

3. Reframe from participating in activities that are important to the child

Parenting is a hard job, so why not make it as effortless as possible? Starting with step one. It takes developing a skill to always say "no", but once the child is programmed it requires less work. The time comes when you don't have to explain why you said no. You have to think long term. Always remember, "no" is easier to say than "yes" (it has one less letter in it). Not long after you get good at this your child will think long and hard before they bother you with questions and their problems.

Step two has lots of value to the parent. You don't have to be embarrassed because you appear to be bragging about your child. When your child does do something truly wrong, you don't have to explain it to people who know you. They already know your child has flaws. It saves you money because you don't have to reward them with gifts or a party, or even taking them out for a meal of celebration. Everyone knows we can always do better. You are helping the child to realize this right from the start. You need to make sure your child knows they always have to try harder and do better the next time. You are satisfying a huge parenting responsibility to the child. You are preparing the child to accept failure and disappointment. You are teaching them to settle for what life gives them and not complain or worse, act out. You are teaching them to give things an honest try and then give it up because there is no point in trying to reach goals or successes they don't deserve or will never reach. You are preparing them for the day when they are no longer allowed to have dreams, and need to accept "that's life" and "life isn't always fair". If you make the mistake of showing approval you can't take it back. You will be forced to live with a child who is pestering you for more and more things just to make them feel good about themselves. This doesn't sound like much, but it can become so frequent that it will drive you nuts.

When your child attempts something new, at the first sign of things not going well, put a stop to it right there. Do not waste any additional time or resources. Remember, any time you waste you can't get back. It is gone for ever. If you are going to waste time, waste it on something you enjoy.

Also in step two, never, under any circumstances point out any positives about a child's behavior. Even the slightest encouragement may destroy all your desired results.

Step three does take some thinking. You need, at least when you start this step, to be creative with your reasons why you can't participate in activities your child thinks are important. I say they "think" those things are important to them, because they don't have any idea what is best for them. Sports might be an example. What good can ever become of your supporting their interest in sports? You know for a fact they will never become professional players, making millions of dollars. It is just a waste of your time to go sit on a bench for a couple of hours and watch an event you couldn't be less interested in. It doesn't have to be sports either. It can be a school dance, a club picnic, a party at a friend's house, scouting, a group getting together to study or just hang out with each other. You certainly don't want to have to fight with the parking lot at a school dance. It can be stressful trying to find your child after the event. You don't want to have to stand around and watch a bunch of strange looking little people pretend to dance. The kids have all day at school to be together. There is always study hall for group learning. As for a picnic, your kitchen is full of good things to eat. There is no point. Can you think of one good reason why the parent should be inconvenienced? If you do indulge them, they have forgotten all you have done for them the very next day. Children don't appreciate things.

Something that might help you have success with step three is come up with excuses why you can't take your child in the car to the activity. You can always tell them you are low on gasoline, or that gasoline is too expensive. Heaven know that is true. They can either walk to the event, or find a ride with someone else's more stupid parents, or they can stay at home and keep out of trouble.

There is one other step in parenting. I didn't include it earlier, because I'm not sure you can learn this one. It may be that you are born with it like a sixth sense. To make your life by far easier, if you can get a handle on what is most important to them, make sure your child is not allowed to have it. The child absolutely has to learn to live without things they want. They can't have everything. If it turns out that whatever it is really is that important to the child, they can get it for themselves when they are adults and out on their own. That way you don't have to put up with it and if it doesn't work out when they get it for themselves, you aren't responsible. A good example might be drums. Why in the world would you want to put up with that noise? Why would you want to take up space in your home for something like that? You know your child isn't going to pack them up after every time they use them.

Remember, when children are young, their happiness shouldn't come at your expense. After all, why did you have children in the first place? It certainly wasn't for someone's benefit other than your own. Also remember, the lessons you will teach your child will last a lifetime.

Now that you have made it through all of this crap, let me put a different spin on it. Although it does seem that the parents of too many baby-boomers subscribe to this form of parenting, and I still don't understand, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to realize there is a better way.

I once read, I don't remember where, and firmly believe two things, and they are; Catch someone doing something right:, and spend as much time pointing out what people do right as you do pointing out what they do wrong. There has to be a balance.

So, parents do have responsibilities to children to prepare them for the real world, and sometimes that is loosing. I remember when I was in Little League, the focus was on sportsmanship, not winning or loosing. What happened to that?

Perhaps parenting should be like Little League. You have to correct wrong actions and behavior. You have to teach young people to accept not always winning. You have to teach always trying to do better. You have to invest time and be there even if it isn't convenient. And you absolutely must celebrate success. How do the team members and the spectators react when a player makes a great play?

If you look at a Little League team closely, at least the way it was when I was a kid, the coaches and other team members were hard on you before the game. They were supportive during and after the game, no matter what.

Parenting isn't easy, that part is true. Your children don't come with shop manuals. There is no three (or four) step "how-to" guide. Yes you have to prepare them for the real world. Yes you have to show them how to correct their mistakes. Yes you have to help them accept failure, but you have to work even harder and longer at cultivating success, self-confidence and good behavior. Do take more time pointing out the positive then you do the negative. Do recognize their successes, and celebrate them. Pizza isn't that expensive. Neither are stick-on gold stars. Strive for a balance in your parenting.