Baby Bootcamp: What No One Tells You About Your First Baby

This past March, I gave birth to my first baby, a daughter, Lillian. She was 6 pounds, 13.8 ounces. Born by C-Section after over 24 hours of labor. Yeah, I got a good story for the teen years. Anyway, I have come to find out there are some things that you don't find out about until they happen to you, so I thought I would share them with you. As a stay-at-home mom, I am finding out that the work I do here is just as important as elsewhere, and frankly, it can be a lot more amusing. And dangerous.

You will watch your baby nonstop the first 6 months to be sure she's breathing. This was my #1 priority at first. My daughter Lillian would eat, poop, and sleep. When she slept, I would just stare at her to make sure her little chest would rise and fall, rise and fall. I just about drove myself nuts. Of course, that doesn't mean I still don't do it at least 4 times a day!

The umbilical cord is a creepy thing. Especially to my husband, who did not read the baby books and therefore wondered why we were sent home with an extra part on our child. And what about when the cord mostly falls off? What's next? There is a substance, called silver nitrate that takes the rest of it off. And any new mom will tell you just how fun it is to try to sponge off their slippery little one while waiting for the cord to fall off. With this kind of entertainment, who needs the movies?

An infant's dirty diaper smells worse than anything your husband can deliver in the bathroom. I knew a poopy diaper would not be fun, but when you breastfeed, the consistency is unreal and the smell, is well, it is not fun. Same goes for a formula fed baby. And once they start solids, forget it. You may as well change them outside to air them out. And beware: I once changed a wet diaper in a sleep induced haze, and it got lost under our bed. The smell was unbelievable!! Within 24 hours, you WILL find it, trust me.

Getting less sleep is putting it mildly. There is no way to describe how bad sleep deprivation truly is, but I will try. It is like needing air, but breathing through a tiny tube. You survive, but are truly miserable. Unless you have a nanny, you just have to tough it out. However, within 3 weeks you do get used to it, as your body adjusts. So, if you see a new mom who looks beyond fabulous, she is getting help from someone, believe me.

You will feel sorry for all other children since your child is so much more beautiful. It is true, you will become a snob. You will ooh and ah over that lady's new little boy in the supermarket, but shake your head when she walks away, wondering how she managed to fit that cap over his huge head. And no matter how hard you want to, you can't stop yourself. And why should you...since it's true!

Simple functions, such as taking a bath, become a synchronized event. If there were only an Olympic event for organizing these things. You must make sure baby is fed and content, and then you may have a bath. Of course, if your little one is cranky, you may as well give that one up. And once they can crawl around, you better figure out how to fit the playpen in the bathroom. Unless that nanny of yours is home. And if you have a nanny, why are you reading this? Go buy another villa in Italy.

The ability to wave goodbye is more important than the space shuttle launch. Once your child masters a basic motor skill, it is time for a celebration!! You will take numerous photos, call the grandparents, and try to get her to perform this action on command wherever you go. And have you ever seen such a perfect wave? She clearly must be gifted! Time to get in touch with Juilliard...

You do actually need time to recover. They say it takes about a year to get back to pre-pregnancy health. Not sure on the stats for shape, but the health is true. You aren't as vibrant, so to speak, just a tad less energetic. But it starts to get better about 8 months post partum, at least for me. A moderate exercise routine can be helpful. By that I mean strolling around the park, the mall, or the neighborhood. No sense in doing too much, and lifting a 20 pound kid all day covers the weight portion of your program.

At times, you will wonder, "What was I thinking?" It may be during a colicky night, or a bad reflux night (yes, babies get reflux, mine had it bad). Or maybe you have been spread really thin at home and/or outside work. You will have had enough. You will want to leave, get a break, move to Belize. This is totally normal. Not feeling this way would be more abnormal, I think. Try to get a nap. Or lithium(just kidding). Seriously, it will pass, but if you continue to feel this way for more than 2 weeks, see your doctor. Postpartum depression is real, and contrary to Tom Cruise's beliefs, you need the help of a medical professional in this situation.

Baby Bootcamp is really not all that bad. Seeing that first _______, will let you know how wonderful it is to be a mom. To your baby. That wonderful, silly, laughing little one with half of your DNA is truly your most prized possession. Get used to it Mom, cause you got many more years left to enjoy it. And those years are sure to fly by.

My daughter is not yet a year old, but my husband and I are amazed at how fast the time is going by. She is doing something new everyday, always keeping us on our toes. Baby Bootcamp can have its tough moments, but with every experience, you get another ribbon on your uniform. Until it gets covered in baby puke, or baby drool, or baby poop. Take your pick.