Bad Baby Names

Picking a name for your new baby can be very fun, but a little daunting too. This name will stay with the child for the rest of their life (barring a change by a judge, the Screen Actors Guild, or the witness protection program). You want a name that fits the baby, rolls off the tongue well, maybe has some special meaning, and won't get them harassed on the playground. Most parents do well at naming a baby and we can happily tell them what a beautiful name their child has (at least until we see how it's spelled), but others doom their child to a lifetime of mispronunciations, misspellings, and mistreatment. Let's check out some bad baby name categories and examples (sadly these names were all pulled from real baby announcements).

Y Abuse: A,E,I,O,U and sometimes Y. Didn't we all learn that in elementary school? Why must parents today create baby names that abuse the poor Y? It wants to be at the end of words with its happy little "e" sound or at the beginning sounding like a toy dog with its "yih" sound. It will occasionally consent to an "i" or "I" in the middle of a word with good reason. So do you really think the Y is happy being used for Irelynd, Morgyn, Haidyn, Trystyn, Aspyn, Alyxandra and Syvannah ? And it's something of a couch potato letter so don't overwork it to create Lyllyanna, Austynn, Veronyca, Sunshyne, Siyena, Jyllian, Tyger, Nycole, Justyce, and Indya.

Apostrophe abuse: We also learned about the correct uses of an apostrophe in elementary school I hope. So why are so many random apostrophes showing up in baby names today? Y'vette, J'nette, A'Mya, Mar'sha, A'Leah are all lovely sounding baby names, but destined for misspelling by children, teachers, and bosses.

Creative Spelling: Parents want to avoid their child being one of 5 in a class with the exact same name so they create bad baby names with creative spelling for a more traditional name. So now instead of 3 Chloes, 2 Hayleys and 2 Cheyennes in a class the poor teacher has Kloey, Cloe, and Clohee; Haili and Hailei; and Chyanne and Cheyane. Throw in Abbygael, Eathin, Luukas, Jacsyn, Joshuwah, Kalub, Karrylinne, Kennadee, Jhazmyne, Emmaleigh, Marri, Mahryah, Aprille, Jooly, Jaykub, and Elexess and let's just buy the teacher a bottle of scotch right now.

Made up names: For some parents creative spelling is not enough to differentiate their child so they resort to creating new names. Some favorites: Jeaquel, Jakaiyah, Dyzjae, KaDarrius, Johnkevia, Chrisanni, Darchea, Kymonie, Xyajah, Samae, Zaelyn, Tahleyah, Aniabellah, Axzaverion, Quanya, and Tryggve. Add some vodka for the teacher.

Attributes & Titles: You may hope your child grows up to marry into the Windsors, but let's not crown him or her Prince, Princess, King, or Queen before the first wet diaper. And just start the therapy fund now for babies with Handsome, Lovely, Sincere, Honesty, Rebellion, Fortunate, Glamorous, Sweet, Anger, Magic, Danger, Unique, Hostile, Legend, or Demon saddled on them.

Multiple Category Winners: Some parents just go for broke and break all the rules of baby names with Majestyk, Mi'Love, Unikque, Jenasis, Reignbeau, Dyce, Sereniti, Jh'Ryan, Zy'quaz, Gryphin, Al'lycea, Fayme, Adecyn, Jhazmyne, Saffire, La'Kimbryanna, Jhy'Meir, Sir'Andrew, or Destanie. No words suffice.

So before you put that name on the birth certificate please think humanely of your baby, their teachers, and the alphabet. Or at least start a liquor fund for future teachers of little Crystoffe or Makena'lei.