Bad Christmas Songs

Now that the World Series is over, it's time once again to deck the halls and be merry as we begin that part of the year we used to call November but is now referred to as the first 30 days of the 2-month marathon Christmas Season-or if you prefer, Holiday Season. I'll let the brainless argue over which it should be called-I just call it too damn long. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, but I long for the good old days when we used to celebrate it somewhere around the 25^th of December. But times have changed and far be it from me to interfere with the Walton family's right to add several weeks to the customer frisking season.

So to get myself in the mood, I like to hit the eggnog and amaretto-light on the eggnog and very heavy on the amaretto-with hopes of drinking myself into a coma and hibernating in my recliner until a couple weeks before Christmas. Unfortunately, I have a job and responsibilities and crap like that, so I can't really do that. Instead, I tune my radio to the local soft rock station where they've been playing Christmas songs since a few days after they stopped playing Christmas songs last holiday season. I enjoy most of the tunes, but there a few that make me want to slam my car into the nearest live nativity scene. I know that sounds pretty extreme, but anyone dumb enough to stand outside in a shepherd's outfit for hours should probably be eliminated anyway.

But getting back to the point of this article, we will be subjected to some really shitty Christmas songs for the next couple of months. Here are five of the shittiest you'll want to avoid at all costs.

Last Christmas
by Wham

Considering every song ever recorded by Wham sucks, this one never had a chance. The lyrics suck, George Michael sucks (in many ways), the other guy-whatever his name is-sucks. It's just a giant suckfest.

Wonderful Christmas Time
by Paul McCartney

As a Beatles fan, it pains me to say that Paul McCartney's stab at a Christmas song is enough to make a devout Christian leave the flock and decide to celebrate Ramadan instead. It's hard to believe the same man who wrote masterpieces like Yesterday, Hey Jude, and Let it Be could come up with such a disjointed mess. Who'd have thought the darker half of the most prolific songwriting duo of all time, John Lennon, would write the beautiful Happy Xmas (War is Over) while McCartney would give us this awful pile of crap?

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
by Patsy & Elmo

Too bad Patsy & Elmo didn't get run over by a bus. This song appeals to the Hee Haw crowd who think the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is knee-slappin' hee-larious-especially when that fat feller says "Git 'er done!" I'm not part of that crowd, so I hate this stupid song.

Jingle Bells
destroyed by Barbra Streisand

There is nothing wrong with Jingle Bells-it's a classic holiday song. What is wrong is Barbra Streisand's version of the song which makes my ears bleed. Barbra takes a fun little tune and runs amok constantly changing tempo and assaulting your senses with a stuttering "Ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-jingle bells" until you just want to drive your forehead into a brick wall. If I weren't the politically correct kind of guy that I am, I might say something like, "That's what happens when you let a Jew sing a Christmas song." But being the PC kind of guy I am, I won't say that. Instead I'll say, "That's what happens when you let a pretentious bitch sing a Christmas song."

The Twelve Days of Christmas
by anyone who ever sang it

Who the hell wants any of this crap anyway? Unless the partridge is Shirley Jones circa 1960, I ain't interested. And what's with all the goddamn fowl? Turtle doves, French hens, calling birds, geese a-laying, and swans a-swimming means lots of birds a-pooping on my carpet. And then you have to deal with all the obnoxious people. Drummers drumming, pipers piping, maids a-milking, and Lords a-leaping? Are you a-kidding me? Get these turds out of my house! The only gifts in this song I might be remotely interested in are the nine ladies dancing-and that's only if they're wearing g-strings while wrapped around stripper poles.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!