Bad Day in Court

The idiot in front of me
Was driving like a drunk.
He weaved across the center line.
He couldn't drive...the skunk!

I finally lost my patience,
And then laid on my horn.
The only ears that heard me
Were in a field of corn.

I had to get around him,
So I passed him on the right.
I felt so mad, I didn't use
My stupid signal light.

I kept on driving,
Thinking I had come out right on top,
But blue lights flashed behind me,
And the sirens told me, "Stop!"

A little fat policeman
(Who should have been at home)
Asked to see my license,
And he looked just like a GNOME!

MAN, this cop was ugly!
If it had been a crime
To scare me with his looks,
He would have done some PRISON time!

He issued a citation
For unsafely changing lanes
(Another on a driving record
Full of traffic stains).

The day I had to be in court
Would be here pretty quick.
I HAD to think of something sly...
A dirty little trick.

Well, in my mind I hatched a plan,
Quite certain it would work,
To get the judge to understand
Why I'd been such a jerk.

The day I had to face the law,
I squared my shoulders, braced my jaw,
Found the courtroom, marched inside,
Took the stand, and quickly LIED.

"I'm not one person, Judge," I said.
"Two people live inside my head.
One is good and sweet and clean.
One is bad and downright mean.
The MEAN one was behind the wheel.
She NEVER cares how people feel.
SHE broke the law that fateful day,
And SHE should be the one to pay."

The Judge just sat and stroked his chin,
Then broke into a big, wide grin.
He fined us EACH three hundred bucks,
And I can't pay! My life just SUCKS!