Bad Father's Day Gift Ideas

There are no bad Father's Day gifts. If your little three-year-old son gives you a piece of paper with unintelligible scrawls on at while saying, "I made this just for you. Happy Father's Day, Dad", you've just received a very precious gift. If your 20-year-old GI daughter calls from the airport and says, "Dad, I'm home safe. Happy Father's Day", there's no gift in the world that could top that one.

Of course, if there may be no bad gifts, there can certainly be less-than-good gifts. The first gripe, of course, is about the tried and true necktie. If that's your plan for dear old dad this year, forget it! Not only do few men wear ties anymore at all, but for those who must dress up for the office or some special occasion that requires ties, two or three already in his closet are more than enough to last for years.

And for the clever kids and spouses who believe a funny tie that looks like an explosion in a paint factory would make dad happy, forget the fancy rag. Ties are a throwback to an earlier age, and they never made much sense to begin with. I slaved in offices for three decades, and always reported for work with my tie neatly in place. Within ten minutes, it was either hanging loose or pulled off completely for the rest of the day.

The necktie probably started with the British Navy in the 18th Century. When I was in sailor the U.S. Navy many years ago, during inspections and when off the ship, I wore a big, fluffy black tie called a neckerchief. It was the tradition started by British sailors when they were used to wipe away perspiration while swabbies swabbed, climbed the mast, shoveled coal and did other sweaty tasks. Tradition also said the neckerchiefs could be used to bind up wounds suffered in battle. You know the routine: wooden ships and iron men. If you have a sailor dad in the family, you probably shouldn't buy him a neckerchief. These days, everyone in the Armed Forces wears camouflage fatigues, including officers who used to wear neckties.

Don't buy old dad any cosmetics. You know, they're the unnecessary drug store specials that sit on the shelves all year long waiting for some sons and daughters to grab them as last-minute gifts for their dads. Forget after shave lotion, hair gel, sun block, shampoos, soaps, cologne or other stinky stuff. If you believe he really needs to smell better, just tell him to take more baths. Actually, he'd prefer to buy those toiletry items himself when and if he needs them.

And speaking of useless gifts, unless you want dear old dad to become dead old dad soon, skip the tobacco gifts this year. If he's still a heavy smoker, you may even hint that it is long past time to give up the deadly weed and spend his sunset years without coughing out what's left of his lungs. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to give him a membership in a local Smokers Anonymous club.

In my opinion, another bad Father's Day gift is a book. I love to read books, and check out all I need free from the local library. I used to read pages of books every night before going to sleep. However, since my old eyes required several surgeries to replace their lenses a couple of years ago, my failing eyesight makes it difficult to spend more than a few minutes a day reading. A librarian told me about the free government service of books for the blind on tape, and now I go to bed each night to read with my ears.

Like all lifelong readers, my shelves are still jam-packed with hundreds of books I'll never touch again. So, what did one of my kids give me for Father's Day last year? It was an enormous thick book on the history of World War II. It must have cost at least $50 and another $7 for snail mail shipping. It was very interesting, I'd like to read it now and then, but I can't remember where I stashed it among all the others.

I also have a shelf full of big, fat books on instructions for using and trouble-shooting my computer, printer and scanner. One book is a Macintosh for dummies manual, a Father's Day gift from one of my kids who believes my computer knowledge stopped somewhere about the time of the wind-up Victrola. I scanned those books thoroughly for about two weeks, usually just after I got new equipment, but I haven't looked at one for at least two years. Therefore, kiddies, please don't give me a big, fat book of any kind for Father's Day. If you do, I promise to be grateful, but I can promise it will start gathering dust with all the others within a week or two after the gift arrives.

Please omit flowers! Since my kids live 400 miles west of Las Vegas and their parents live 400 miles east of Las Vegas, we meet there often to celebrate family occasions. Last year we all had a Father's Day dinner there together. It was wonderful, and we all had lots of fun. There were clothing gifts for me (no tie this time), which were appreciated, but also had to be stuffed in my already heavy suitcase for the flight home.

One clever child bought me a big bouquet of what I guessed were male-oriented flowers, including bachelor's buttons, carnations and forget-me-nots. I made a lame thanks for that, but dragging it through the airport and holding it in front of me on the flight home was not pleasant. The bouquet and I were half dead by the time I got home. Therefore, kiddies, if your Father's Day celebration requires dear old dad to fly, don't load him down with bulky stuff he'll have schlep through the airport and aboard the airplane.

May I quickly suggest a few simple good gifts? Make it a certificate to his favorite restaurant or, if he's away from home and has to lug it on an airplane, a small box of something edible.